Dear Mom, Stop Trying to Parent the “Right Way”

I worked as a youth group volunteer before having kids of my own. One Sunday, a mother of a teen I was discipling stopped me in the hallway to get my thoughts on a situation with her daughter. The mom explained the layers of issues and challenges, and as I listened to what I ultimately thought was poor parenting, a naïve sense of pride welled up in me. I thought, When I have kids, I’m going to parent the right way. 

The Frantic Condition 

I spent the first ten or so years of parenting in what I can best describe as a frantic mess. Attempting to keep my promise to parent the “right way,” I spent most days glancing sideways to see how my children were doing compared to others. I devoured parenting books to ensure my kids would not end up misbehaving like that kid and obsessively tried to emulate other moms in the hope that my child would end up like theirs. I was a weary and fear-filled mom in a never-ending search for the ideal way to parent. 

In the Lord’s graciousness, he worked in my heart through mentors and, frankly, through the teen years. It was during that season that I was forced to confront the reality that my perceived control over my children was superficial. If I could go back and sit with my younger self, there is a culprit I’d warn her about, and then, I’d gently encourage her with the most effective cure for any mom who feels frantic or anxious over parenting the “right way.” 

The Sneaky Culprit: Comparison 

The comparison with other moms who I thought were parenting “right” was nonstop. I’d pay attention to what they wore, how often they attended church outside of Sunday morning, how they carried themselves, and, of course, how they dealt with their children. When I did this, I often felt insufficient and inadequate in my role as mom. 

Today, with the advancement of social media, we have new and inventive ways for comparison. Whether it’s through curated pictures or hourly sneak peeks on stories, we can literally watch another mom’s day unfold. 

There are certainly great benefits to social media, and that includes those who are faithfully living out the gospel as online influencers. But as I talk to young mothers today, many feel a hovering sense of insufficiency, and most follow an influencer who they perceive “does parenting right.” If you watch someone online, especially in the absence of mutual friendship, and it’s causing jealousy or doubt in your own God-given situation and ability, maybe it’s time to put social media aside. 

Friend, the Bible does not provide one correct routine for what a day in a Christian household should look like, nor does it tell us to keep our eyes focused on moms who seem to have it all together. They are imperfect humans who are finding their own way in parenting. It is certainly good to learn from a godly parent and even to implement the tools they use in discipleship, but just because something works for them does not mean it will fit for your family. 

So, let’s stop looking to our right and to our left. Jesus says to “come to me” (Matt. 11:28-30), and “turn to me” (Is. 45:22) instead. Abiding in Christ is the only and ultimate cure for our desperate striving to parent in the right way. 

The Ultimate Cure: Abiding in Christ 

Pastor and author John Piper, who has often spoken about his own struggles in parenting, explains what abiding in Jesus looks like: “Abiding in Jesus is trusting in Jesus, remaining in fellowship with Jesus, connecting to Jesus so that all that God is for us in him is flowing like a life-giving sap into our lives. Abiding is believing, trusting, savoring, resting, and receiving.”[1]

In the young years of parenting, I was not abiding—I was not “believing, trusting, savoring, resting, and receiving” Jesus and his Word daily. I might have spent five minutes here or there with the Lord, but my focused attention was given to what I thought I could control—and I thought I could control the outcome for my children by parenting them correctly. 

When I began spending earnest time in fellowship with Jesus—when I really started leaning into him and digging into his Word for wisdom and guidance—something profoundly important became apparent: 

There is not one “right way” to raise your child. 

Jesus does not lay out a five-step plan that ensures a certain outcome for our kids, but he provides general and significant guidelines as we seek to nurture the little lives God has placed in our care. Jesus tells us that he made our children and is sovereign over their life,[2] he tells us that we should love Jesus with our whole heart and teach about him at every opportunity,[3] and he reminds parents that their children are a blessing from him.[4] 

Dear Mom, the gracious invitation from the Lord is to treasure your children, to pray for eyes to see them in the way that he does, and to tell them daily about the great things he has done. We learn how to do this in new and profound ways every time we open our Bible and connect to Jesus. All that is in him flows through us by the Spirit, providing the wisdom and the strength we need to parent our children. 

My dad, a pastor, used to explain the concept of God’s grace through an acronym: God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. All the riches of God are poured out for you at the expense of his Son. That means that because of Christ’s death and resurrection, all that Christ has, you have, child of God. He will give you the grace to handle each moment, each day, and each parenting decision. 

Jesus chose you as your child’s mother and not by accident. Chasing after one “right” parenting approach is futile, and trying to emulate someone else’s life is fruitless. Look to Jesus, Mom. He will provide all that you need to raise your child in the nurture of the Lord. 

[1] https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/what-does-it-mean-to-abide-in-christ

[2] Psalm 139

[3] Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4

[4] Psalm 127:3-5