How Do I Talk to My Kids about Gender?
Friends of ours were recently out shopping with their four-year-old daughter when she pointed to the store clerk and exclaimed, “Mommy, look at her pretty pink hair!”
The clerk approached our friends’ daughter and said, “I’m actually a boy. You should say, ‘Look at his beautiful pink hair.’” Struck speechless, they smiled and eventually left the store.
No doubt you’ve faced a similar situation yourself. In our age of gender fluidity, everyday scenarios like this one can feel overwhelming and make a mom or dad want to just stay home. But here’s what’s true: we who know the Creator—who made his creation very good—have every reason to feel confident about parenting in the days ahead.
We know the God who made us and every single boy and girl in the whole world. We know his goodness, and his character will not change, even as cultural change swirls around us. We have solid and good news to offer our children. Here are five truths that can give us courage as we talk to our children about gender:
God has made us the primary disciplers of our kids. As parents, we have greater influence than anyone else on our children. From their very first days, our kids look to us for guidance on everything. While it’s true that friends, teachers, and culture shape our kids, no other source bears the weight we do. Research even shows that teens ages 12-19 are more influenced by their parents when it comes to sex than anyone else.[1] Moms, may we be encouraged and inspired by this reality. Our kids want to hear from us! Don’t allow fear or discomfort to keep you quiet. These are your conversations to have.
Creation is good because our God is good. In our earliest conversations with very young children, we can rehearse the goodness of our Creator and the goodness of all that he has made. Humans, made in his image, are very good. All humans have dignity, worth, value, and purpose, no matter their gender, ethnicity, ability, socio-economic status, or anything else. Equipping our kids with reverence for God and awe of his creation will posture their hearts and ours to be worshipful and humble when conversations about gender get more complicated in the years ahead.
When God made humans, he made us men and women on purpose. Every observant toddler poses questions about gender and biology. While often comical, their questions are also a perfect opportunity to tell them, “God made us boys and girls before we were even born!” Our bodies matter. Our bodies reveal our genders—all the way from our physical appearance down to the unseen cellular level. Boys’ bodies and girls’ bodies are very good.[2] God created us with intention. Our bodies belong to the Lord even more than they belong to us, so we must honor and care for them.[3]
God had both Adam in Eve in mind even before creation. God said it was not good that Adam was alone.[4] Eve was not an afterthought but made to be like Adam, only different. She would provide what he lacked in himself. Adam and Eve were made to be partners, caring for creation, one another, and all other humans. Both boys and girls are made to love God and love others. God made only two genders, and we are meant to work together for his glory. Men and women are co-laborers in God’s kingdom. Each gender offers what the other lacks.
God uniquely gifts and calls every boy and girl. While our culture may loudly voice stereotypes about masculinity and femininity, Christian parents must be willing to conform our ideas about gender to the Bible. The Bible offers a broad perspective on what men and women might do: King David was a warrior but also a musician and a poet. The idealized woman of Proverbs 31 was a businesswoman and caretaker of her household. These biblical examples stand in contrast to many of today’s norms. Society’s attempt to make gender more fluid is oddly regressive (You must be a boy in a girl’s body if you like blue and you’re good at math. Or, you must be a girl in a boy’s body if you like pink and have an appreciation for dance.). May we who know the Creator root our ideas about gender in the Bible, not in societal norms, and help our children do the same.
The conversations we have with our children will become more sophisticated as they grow. All too soon, we will be pondering together how to apply God’s truth to real-life scenarios and friendships that feel complex and even overwhelming. Practicing the above five truths, though, from our children’s earliest days will prepare all of us for the toughest of conversations later.
When we face decisions about pronouns, weddings, and more, we will have already solidified in our homes that God is good, his creation is good, he made men and women on purpose, boys and girls are meant to be partners as they love God and love others, and the Bible gives us diverse and beautiful examples of what boys and girls were made to do. God will help us as we prayerfully consider how to shepherd our sons and daughters in the days ahead.
Our friends used the encounter at the store to have a limited and age-appropriate conversation with their daughter on the way home. My friend said it gave their family a chance to rehearse together that God is the author of every human life, that he cares deeply for every boy and girl, that he made us good and without any mistakes, and that we can approach everyone with humility and care. Though speechless in the moment, they weren’t unprepared. They weren’t threatened. They had good, timeless, and beautiful truth to offer their child. And so do you and I.
