How Do I Talk to My Kids about Sex?
Pull up a chair, my friend. We’re about to have . . . the talk.
Have you seen the commercial where a young child casually asks her mother, “What’s a virgin?” and the mom scrambles to find words, only to discover that the child was pointing at the bottle of “extra virgin olive oil”? Or the familiar scene in TV shows where an awkward father sits down with his prepubescent son to have “the talk” and acts as though he’s never considered this moment in his entire life—cue the laugh track as what could only be called a comedic failure of a conversation ensues.
As funny as these scenes might be, the reality is, it’s our responsibility as parents and trusted adults to sit down and have what could be termed “the most awkward conversation” with our children. But does it have to be so cringe (as my teenager would say)? Here are a few thoughts about a better path forward as we navigate those proverbial birds and bees.
Take a deep breath—this is not a one-time conversation.
In our home, we talk with our kids about a lot of things, all of the time. We talk about good sleep, why it’s important to brush our teeth, why we don’t throw kinetic sand across the dining room table. We also talk to them about the deep things on a regular basis—why we need a Savior, why we can trust God, why we pray. None of these topics are one-time conversations. These are revolving door conversations—topics that never get shelved, that mature with age, and that deepen our relationships with our kids and their relationship with God and themselves.
Viewing the sex talk as a lifelong conversation too removes the stress and panic that we need to explain it all in one go. We want our children to view us as safe adults who aren’t scared to talk about hard things, especially when it comes to our bodies and sex. One way to keep this conversational door “propped open” is to bring the topic up naturally and not react when it seems to crop up again. Sex isn’t taboo. We can talk about it when there are questions, when someone has a baby, when we discuss crushes and dating, when we see culture around us, and when we talk about honoring one another as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Look to the Designer and start with Scripture.
Good news! The Bible doesn’t leave us empty-handed when it comes to these things. In fact, it tells us from the beginning that sex between a husband and wife is a good thing to be enjoyed.[1] Sex isn’t dirty or shameful! It’s a good thing to be celebrated when it is in its true and honorable place. The Bible teaches us that our bodies are to be shared only as husband and wife.[2] God designed our bodies,[3] he created us just as he intended us to be,[4] and he isn’t ashamed of us and we can be confident that he loves us.[5] The Bible also tells us to honor our bodies,[6] to remember our bodies belong to God,[7] to flee sexual immorality,[8] and to offer our physical bodies as worship to him.[9] All of this means that there isn’t any part of the “talk” that is outside of God’s wisdom and design. Whether we’re explaining different body parts, how our bodies change, temptations, or the good design of sex within marriage, we have the Word of God as our foundation. It is certainly a present help to us, even when we talk about the way he made us.
Use age-appropriate language.
Let’s be honest—there are things a fifteen-year-old will understand that a four-year-old simply won’t. However, we can begin to lay the groundwork for the more complex conversations and can equip our young children with awareness about their bodies as soon as they can talk. In our home, we’ve made it a point to teach our kids the real anatomical terms for their entire body, including their reproductive parts. In the same way our children have shoulders and elbows, eyebrows and noses, they have penises and vaginas. Equipping our children with the proper language to talk to us about their bodies is important and can help protect them from harm. We can teach them that their body parts are good gifts from God to guard and honor, not toys or items to be nicknamed.
While young children won’t (and shouldn’t!) comprehend the full seriousness of what happens in sex, they can start to understand why we don’t look at other people naked or why we don’t show family members or friends our private parts (or “bathing suit zones” as we say in our home), and they can begin to honor God’s good design even then. As they grow, the conversation grows with them. Using familiar terms as they age, we as parents can introduce more mature (but not crass!) language, eventually explaining the mechanics of sex, the implications for that act, the temptations of this world, and the beauty and mystery of God’s gift.
Strive to be proactive and precise.
A Common Sense Media report revealed that 54% of teens admitted to viewing pornography before the age of thirteen. Additionally, “nearly half (45%) of teen respondents said that they felt online pornography gives ‘helpful’ information about sex.” This means that kids are not only viewing some of the worst forms of sexual exploitation before the age of thirteen, but they're also going there for answers.[10] These conversations need to happen before our children start Googling the answers themselves.
So let’s initiate the dialogue, in small ways, when they're young. When a friend has a baby or we visit a neighbor’s farm to see baby goats, we can begin to introduce what sex is, what it’s intended for, and how it’s made to glorify God. As our kids age, we can do our best to notice the small, nuanced things our teens say that might trigger deeper conversation. With my kids, comments about friends who are dating have seamlessly moved into conversations about sex, relationships, and honoring one another in that context. These talks aren’t mystical, goofy, or cutesy. They’re serious and truthful, allowing plenty of space for questions or even just knowing when it’s time to change the subject.
Get support.
Thankfully, we aren’t the first generation of parents to have had these conversations. Look to the women around you who have already forged a path of wisdom—those wise and seasoned older moms at church, a helpful mentor or couple who has raised their own children, or someone even just a few years ahead of you on this road of parenting. The Lord didn’t design us to raise our children alone! Community is a gift to us for help, support, and even asking questions like “How did you handle this topic?” On top of in-person relationships, we live in the glorious age of technology which means there is no shortage of podcasts, books, and even articles like this one to help you along the way. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or seek out additional wisdom.[11]
And, friend? Remember: A little bit of awkwardness is normal.
It’s okay to feel a little awkward with this topic. After all, sex is intended to be a private, intimate thing. It’s intended to be mysterious and personal. It’s not something we should parade in the streets and plaster all over our screens. Our bodies are meant to be holy, our practices pure, and our hearts clean. The good news is this: we aren’t left here without a helper. Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit to help guide us into all truth.[12] We will all no doubt say things incorrectly, poorly timed, and awkwardly, and certainly someone will blush at some point. There is grace for even that. We have the honor and responsibility to be the first voice in our kids’ world to teach them what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise,[13] including God’s design for sex. So let’s teach them now to listen to the voice of the Lord as they begin to understand the beauty of relationships, their bodies, and even those pesky birds and bees.
[1] Genesis 1:28, 2:23-25
[2] Hebrews 13:4
[3] Psalm 139:13-14
[4] Ephesians 2:10
[5] Psalm 103:14
[6] 1 Thessalonians 4:4
[7] 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
[8] 1 Corinthians 6:18
[9] Romans 12:1
[11] Here are some recommendations I have from people who’ve provided resources about this very thing!
God’s Design for Sex series, Stan and Brenna Jones—four books that age with your child and gradually introduce them to age-appropriate language about their bodies and sex.
God Made All of Me, Justin and Lindsey Holcomb
A Child’s First Book about Marriage, Jani Ortlund
Birds & Bees account on Instagram is full of wisdom, resources, videos to help explain awkward topics, and more!
[12] John 16:13
[13] Philippians 4:8
