Caring for Your Grieving Kids

When my husband died suddenly in 2019, my children were 7, 10, 12, and 13. Over the years, I’ve parented them through almost every developmental stage of childhood. Together, we’ve learned what it looks like to grieve and grow after loss. I believe that you can learn to do the same things, too.

When death casts its shadow on your family, it can be hard to anticipate what’s ahead. How will my child react? How will this change our family dynamic? What does my child need to grieve in a healthy and spiritually hopeful way? While God has called you to walk with your child through the valley of the shadow, he also promises to equip you for every good work.[1] 

As you seek to shepherd your child through his or her season of loss, it can help to think about the various dimensions of life that grief touches—the physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual. Consider these practical, gospel-oriented ways you can help your child process death and the loss that comes with it:

Go to Bed, Sleepyhead

Because life actively draws them forward, many children don’t feel the physical effects of grief until they have accrued over time. For many children, this accrual shows up most prominently at bedtime. 

It is common for grieving children to struggle with sleep at night after the death of a loved one. For some, the struggles of the day have built up and now crowd in on their thoughts. Other children might not like the quiet or the dark because it reminds them of vulnerability or dying. It’s not unusual for children’s bedtime habits to regress a bit, whether bed-wetting returns for a season, nightmares arrive, or a child just struggles to slow down and let sleep take over. Other kids might sleep more than usual. The death of a loved one leaves little bodies especially tired as they try to process loss with limited developmental understanding.

If you are grieving too, it can be frustrating to engage in heavy-duty parenting at the end of the day, when you feel most weary yourself. As you’re able, take this time to care for the two of you together—maybe through a backrub or drop of lavender oil on the pillow. Save intense conversations for daylight hours as much as possible, and together, begin nightly habits that can facilitate healthy sleep. If your child needs to sleep for a little while on the floor of your bedroom, turn it into a camp-out, knowing that this season will eventually pass. And if you have concerns for your child’s health or if unusual patterns emerge and don’t resolve over time, consult with your pediatrician for support. 

When grief compromises sleep, we can remind our children that we can rest at bedtime knowing that the God who loves us “does not slumber or sleep” (Psalm 121:4).

Making Space for Emotions

Many parents are surprised to see that their children express little emotion after a loved one dies. If your child is very young, he or she may simply not understand the concept or finality of death. If older, your child is probably processing at a developmentally appropriate speed—that is to say, slowly. Death is a lot for little brains to take in.

For many, the hard emotions of grief—sadness, anger, frustration—often arrive alongside other life difficulties, such as a problem at school or with a friend. Take the time to gently parse out what is grief and what is not, knowing that after a loss, grief can color everything. Offer extra grace and space on those big emotion days. Remind your child that you are always available to talk and that God is too. Model for your child how prayer can offer us a release for these big emotions as we bring our problems to God. 

On the other hand, you might be unnerved to watch your child express emotions like peace and joy when the rest of your family is experiencing sadness. This, too, can be emotionally appropriate for children. God designed our children’s minds to be constantly expanding at this age, and, even after a death, the world is still a big and beautiful place to live. Instead of encouraging sadness, embrace your child’s joy. It is a glimmer of God’s promise to turn our mourning clothes into garments of praise.[2]

Needing to Be Close

Whether Grandma won’t come to Sunday dinner anymore or a sibling is no longer there to play, a child’s relational world is changed when death arrives. For some children, this reality will manifest as a need for greater physical intimacy. Your child might be worried about losing you or another trusted adult, and these relational worries show up in clinginess or a need for extra physical affection. Other children may distance themselves as a protective measure—trying to cope by being self-sufficient. 

In all of these ways, children are expressing the broken trust that often accompanies a loved one’s death. A child thought relationships worked one way, but death has shown them that even the connections they treasure most can be severed. 

As you support your child, make sure to check in on the status of their relationships. Ask about interactions at school with friends and teachers. Offer extra physical connection to reassure your child of the security of your relationship. As you engage in spiritual rhythms within your home, remind your child that Jesus, the very best friend, promises to never leave them or forsake them.[3] Read the story of the death of Lazarus (John 11:1-44) together and note the many ways that people relate to each other in the story. If it feels appropriate, tell your child about the ways your loss has changed your relationships. 

What about Heaven?

For many children, spiritual conversations after loss make death even more confusing. As such, it’s important to talk about grief in language that is both concrete and spiritually honest. 

Your child may have questions about where a loved one goes after death. As you talk about your hope in Jesus[4] and about heaven and the promise of the resurrection,[5] be sure to also talk about the concrete answer to that question. After death, a loved one’s body stops working and is placed in the ground. The marvel of the resurrection is that our finite, broken bodies will one day be transformed into glorious, incorruptible ones. Be sure to tell both parts of that story.

Likewise, avoid euphemisms that might cloud a child’s emerging spiritual understanding. If you tell a child that Grandpa has “gone to be with Jesus,” be sure to accompany that gospel truth with a clear, simple explanation of what that actually means. Use straightforward words like “death,” dying,” and “dead” to express what has happened. Real language actually enhances your child’s spiritual engagement with his or her grief rather than detracts from it because it builds a developmentally appropriate theology of the body. God made our bodies good, but sin has marred them and death is the result. The resurrection becomes a child’s “blessed hope” when she can see what she has been both saved from and saved into.

For all children, the death of a loved one presents a difficult opportunity to grow and develop, often far beyond their years. As you parent your grieving child, remember that you don’t need to be perfect, only faithful. God has given you care of these little lives, but it doesn’t all depend on you. He promises to carry the little lambs close to his heart and to be gentle with their parents, too.[6] As you seek him, God will equip you for the task he has placed before you, offering you a lamp for your feet and wisdom for each day.[7]

This article is not meant to replace professional medical or psychological care. If you have concerns about your child, please seek out professional care to help.

[1] Hebrews 13:21

[2] Isaiah 61:3

[3] Deuteronomy 31:8; Matthew 28:20

[4] Titus 2:13

[5] 1 Thessalonians 4:17

[6] Isaiah 40:11

[7] Psalm 119:105