Ep. 155 || How Do I Pray for my Kids?: An Interview on Faithful Motherhood with Kristie Anyabwile Transcript
This transcript has been edited for clarity.
Laura: Hi friends, I am so excited for today's show! On this episode, we have Kristie Anyabwile joining Emily and I to share with us about the topic of prayer. Kristie shares so many encouraging and helpful truths about prayer today. She starts with helping us to understand exactly what it is, she talks about why it can feel so hard sometimes (but how we find hope in the gospel), and she shares specific ways that she prays for her children.
In addition, Kristie answers one of our most frequently asked questions here at Risen Motherhood, which is: how do I teach my children how to pray? Kristie lives in Washington D.C. with her husband Thabiti and her three children. Kristie enjoys spending time with family, cooking, and discipling women. She's also a sought after speaker and writer on the topics of marriage, motherhood, and ministry.
Today's conversation with Kristie is so rich. After it, I felt so encouraged to consider the ways that I talked to God and to make prayer a higher priority in my life. I hope it does the same for you. Let's get to the show with Emily, Kristie, and myself.
Laura: Hi, Kristie! Thanks for joining us on Risen Motherhood today.
Kristie Anyabwile: Hey, thank you so much for having me.
Laura: It is so fun to have you on the show finally! You are someone that we have been talking about for years.
Emily: Yes. How did we get Kristie on the show?
[laughter]
Laura: I know. This is so fun.
Kristie: I just have so much fun listening into your show. Every day, it's a surprise, like who's going to be on this time? Always so encouraging and helpful. I'm thankful for how the Lord is using you ladies to encourage women and moms and just humbled to be asked to serve as a guest on your show.
Laura: Thank you, Kristie. Well, why don't you start out by telling everyone a little bit about yourself, your kiddos, what your days look like? Most of them have heard of you, but just in case they haven't, give them a little introduction.
Kristie: First of all, we need a little pop quiz. My name is Kristie and my last name is An-ya-bwile. Anyabwile. You got to say it really fast. Almost if you string together any four syllables really quickly, nobody will know.
[laughter]
Laura: We'll just try that.
Kristie: Just say it really fast. I'm a North Carolina native country girl, but I live in Washington D.C. now. My husband is a pastor of Anacostia River Church, which is in the southeast corner of Washington D.C. We have three kids but one at home—our son Titus. I'm the shortest person in my house now. He's very tall. He's a teenager now. Both my girls are in university. One is just about to finish, Afiya, and then Eden has about another year or so left. We're loving the Lord and loving each other. Trying to eat Keto right now.
Laura: Your food looks really good on Instagram. Legit, it’ss good.
Kristie: I love to cook and I love food, but I need to try and eat healthy and be healthy. I'm committed to whatever diet or food, or eating plan that I'm on. I'm committed to eating good food and not being denied excellent food. It’s definitely a passion and a goal. Anyway, thank you for that. It's fun. It's fun just trying to find creative ways to enjoy food.
Laura: I love that.
Emily: Yes, I love that.
Kristie: That's a little bit about me, I teach Bible study in my church and disciple women in my church. I write and speak and those kinds of things, but primarily, I just try to keep everybody fed in my house and stay active in my local context.
Emily: That's awesome. One of the things we like to do on Risen Motherhood is reach out to women who have been faithful and are maybe in the next season of life like what you're talking about. It's funny. Recently, my husband was saying that we need to figure out how to make better food because that's something our kids are going to want to come home for when they're in college. They’ll want to bring people around, so we need to work on that. I love that you're focusing on that—that good food.
But one thing we hear a lot from moms, and Laura and I have experienced, is just struggling with the concept of prayer, which we know is so critical. Our Bible knowledge tells us this is so important, not only to our relationship with God, but our ability to live out the calling that he's given us. And it’s a ministry to our children to pray for them. We maybe feel lost at the conceptual level and then lost at the practical level. We're just really excited to have you on to talk about prayer, and we’re wondering if you would just start by giving us the 101—can you define prayer for us?
Kristie: Everybody has their own definition of prayer. It's hard to define. But I feel like I just want to pray a quick prayer before we begin. We can't have a conversation about prayer without prayer.
Laura: Absolutely.
Emily: Love it.
Laura: Please do.
Kristie: Father, we just thank you so much for this opportunity to discuss this topic of prayer, our lifeline to you. And so Lord, we just pray that you would teach us to pray, teach us to pray by your Spirit, teach us to pray boldly and confidently. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Laura and Emily: Amen.
Kristie: Some people think about prayer in terms of the ACTS model, A-C-T-S: adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication. They break prayer down into those areas—adoring Christ and honoring him for who he is, and calling out in acknowledgement of God's character. Then confession—confession of sin. Then thanksgiving—offering prayers of gratitude and thanksgiving to the Lord. And then supplication—asking for things that we need, and on behalf of others as well.
That's one way people have thought about prayer. I like also, in the scriptures, you hear words associated with prayer, things like: calling out to God, seeking him, asking, talking to God, the idea of fellowship and communion with God are associated with prayer. I don't know if we're going to talk about resources at some point, but I love a book on prayer by John Onwuchekwa. He's written a small book in the 9Marks series on prayer, and it's about how prayer is shaping the church, but it's instructive for any of us who are interested in the topic of prayer.
One of the definitions that he has of prayer is to think of prayer as God's prescription for life in a fallen world. If you go to a doctor and you get a prescription, the prescription itself isn't the medicine. But the prescription helps you to get what you need in order to have better health. Your illness might still be there. But the prescription is reminding you that your illness is just temporary because you found a solution for your illness.
He talks about prayer being like a prescription and that it eases our concerns, even before it repairs our circumstances. I think that's a very helpful way of thinking about prayer.
My favorite definition of prayer is probably one that comes straight from scripture. I like the definition of prayer that we read in Hebrews 4:16. There are tons of them in scripture, but this is one of my favorites. Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
It doesn't cover every aspect that we might think of regarding prayer, but it does tell us what prayer is—that is, confidently drawing near to the throne of grace. Then it also tells us what the goal of prayer is—to receive mercy and find grace, to help us in our times of need. If I were thinking about just a simple definition of prayer, that's probably where I would go, to Hebrews 4:16. We, because of Christ, have the ability to draw confidently and boldly to the throne of grace, where we know that we can receive the mercy of Christ and the grace of Christ to help us in our times of need.
Laura: I love that. Thank you. That is super helpful. I think something that you prayed was actually really touching to me too, where you said as you were talking to God, that it's “our lifeline to you.” Prayer is “our lifeline to you.” I think that is another great phrase and another great picture that puts in our minds how much we need prayer. That it should be as much a part of us as breathing. As you said there at the end, because of Christ, we can approach boldly and confidently. But I know that as a mom and just a human, so often I'm afraid to approach God, or I'm nervous to do so, or it can just feel like well, where do I even begin? Can you help us understand how sin and the fall have impacted the way that we pray to God? Where does the gospel give us hope in that?
Kristie: Well, that's a good question. I think even what you're saying about how we can feel inadequate or shy away from prayer, it really is just reflecting what happened in the fall, isn't it? Adam and Eve had unbroken fellowship with the Lord. They walked and talked with God in the cool of the day, and they were fully present and fully vulnerable and living in full enjoyment of God.
Then, because of sin, that fellowship was broken. Now instead of walking and talking with God with this complete freedom and abandon and openness, they—and we—are tempted to hide and hold back. But just like Adam and Eve discovered in the garden, just like Jonah, and many other people we can read about in scripture, and many other people around the globe throughout time have also discovered, we can't hide from God. He knows the secrets of every heart. There is nothing that we can think or pray or ask or do, that's beyond the reach of God.
So even in our times of weakness, I think one of the things that we can be reminded of is that God already knows it. He knows we are weak. He knows that we can't pray in the ways that we should, in ways that we ought. The good news of the gospel reminds us that when Jesus rose from the dead and he ascended back to heaven and sat down at the right hand of God, then scripture tells us in Romans 8, that right now he is interceding for us. Then Hebrews 7:25 says that “he is able to save to the uttermost, those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.”
That's amazing. That is an amazing truth to understand and know about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ—that there's never a time in our walk with the Lord that we're not being prayed for. Jesus always lives to make intercession for us. Then not only that, but Romans 8 also tells us that we have the indwelling of God's Spirit, and that the Spirit also prays for us: “the Spirit helps us in our weakness” because “we do not know what to pray for as we ought...the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”
So I guess my basic encouragement would be, it's okay. It's okay if you feel weak. It's okay if you feel scared. It's okay if you feel like you don't have all the words. You don't have to have all the words because we have the Spirit of God who is interceding for us with groanings too deep for words anyway. He is molding and shaping our prayers in a way that conforms them to God's will and God's purposes in our lives.
Pray the weak prayers, pray the short prayers, pray the “Lord, help me” prayers, pray whatever comes to mind to pray, because we have an advocate with the Father. We have Christ himself interceding for us, and we have the Spirit interceding for us. We can still come before God confidently and boldly, and the sin that draws that wedge between us and would keep us from going to God, even that sin God has dealt with through Christ. That's my encouragement—still go bold—because we have Christ and we have the Spirit who are interceding for us. So we have no fear of bringing anything that comes to mind before the Lord in prayer.
Emily: Amen. I love that. It’s such a good reminder because I think there are so many moms, and I'll speak for myself too, that when we've been prayerless, then there's this feeling of, well, now I need to stay away. You know that garden sense of, I guess I ought to hide from God. But preaching the truth of the gospel to ourselves says, no, I can go before the throne because of what Christ has done. The right response is to go and to not stay back and not try to stay away because we're connected through Christ.
I love that reminder. And you mentioned a couple of different types of prayers you might pray—the short prayers, the desperate prayers, the weak prayers—could you just walk us through a few different types of prayer that are modeled in the Bible? Maybe help us know what that would look like in the midst of our everyday life and motherhood or a mom's prayer life.
Kristie: That's good. I am so tempted to just hang out in one book of the Bible, one chapter of the Bible, that you ladies probably know is one of my favorites, Psalm 119. I think in that chapter there are so many—the Psalms themselves are a prayer book for the people of Israel and for various occasions whether they are praying laments, whether celebratory prayers or thanksgiving, all kinds of occasions are represented in the Psalms themselves.
But in Psalm 119 in particular, that chapter is completely focused on the word of God. It is also just full of the various kinds of prayers that we find in scripture. In that Psalm, you will find prayers that are just a straight out plea where the psalmist is praying for his own heart, “oh that my ways may be steadfast in keeping your statutes, then I shall not be put to shame having my eyes fixed on all your commandments.” There are prayers of praise, “I will praise you with an upright heart when I learn your righteous rules.”
There are prayers for help: “teach me your statutes”; “open my eyes and I may behold wondrous things from your law”; “give me understanding that I may keep your law.” We could go on and on and on. When people are coming against the psalmist and he feels attacked, then he's asking God for protection against those who would lie against him or those who would afflict him. He's asking God to help him to not be overtaken by fear of man, but to be overtaken with the fear of the Lord and that that would bring joy to his heart and would guide and keep him in all truth.
We could spend really our whole time and then some on just this one Psalm. But I guess the way I would encapsulate it is, maybe just take something like Psalm 119 and slowly meditate on it day by day. Read a stanza—it's divided up into 22 stanzas. Each eight verse stanza corresponds to a letter in the Hebrew alphabet. Each day, you can just read a stanza and meditate on that. Meditate on what the psalmist is praying in that stanza and how that might inform your prayers. You can even pray that stanza for yourself, for the day.
I think it's a good guide and a good start for moms, or any of us, who struggle with prayer and struggle with: What kinds of prayers should I be praying? What kinds are present in the scriptures? How can they help me in my walk with the Lord, and raising my children, and caring for my family, and dealing with my co-workers and colleagues, and serving the church, and being aware of what's happening in the world? I think that it can inform us and help us in all of those ways.
Laura: That's really helpful. In times when I have just felt like I have no idea what to pray—I have the groaning that's too deep for words—often I will go straight to the Psalms and just pray those directly. That has been a comfort to give me words when I don't have them. I really appreciate at the end there, you were talking about how we can pray these things for our kids and our co-workers and our families. I'm curious—switching over to children—can you help us understand what kind of things you pray for your kiddos? What would you recommend? Are there things that are too trivial? Is anything off limits? Just give us a little taste of what that looks like for you.
Kristie: That's a good question. I think for our children, it depends on seasons, the season of life they’re in—in terms of the kinds of things that I'm praying for them. From the time that they were conceived, we always pray for their salvation, that at the earliest years, or even the earliest months and days of their lives, that they would just be growing in the knowledge of God, and that at the earliest age the Lord will save them and keep them unto himself. That's something that we pray from day one until now for our children. Then as our children begin to show that they have the seeds of faith, we're just asking God to water those seeds and to make them grow and flourish. That they would stand in all the fullness of Christ and even be bold in their witness for him.
Then again, as they continue to grow, and they're getting into middle school—that's where my son Titus is now—we often pray practical things too. We asked them what's happening in their day, and how we can pray for them in school, and how we can pray for them in regards to their friends. Right now for Titus, we're praying for things like growing independence and responsibility, and that he would transition well from adolescence to young manhood. For our girls, they’re in college. We're praying that God would give them wisdom and would protect them from the influences of the world around them. That he will keep them tethered to him, and that they would make decisions that would be in conformity to God's will, and that they would have the mind of Christ in their work and in their schooling.
I don't know, every day it changes. It’s very circumstantial, as well. A lot of times, even when I'm praying for wisdom and that my children would be—I'm praying for their relationships with one another when they're bickering or when they have disagreements and those kinds of things, but I'm also praying for myself. My constant prayers for myself, as I parent my children, are prayers for wisdom and prayers of confession.
I have found myself having to confess to the Lord on a daily basis for the ways in which I sin against my children. They're so gracious. My children are quick to forgive when I'm snappy with them. When I haven't been patient, when I've shifted blame to them for things that I've done, ways that I haven't maybe planned our day or made them aware of what's going on in our lives and those kinds of things.
I think those are just a tiny portion of the things that I pray for my children. I think we can bring anything to God. When my son was going out for the basketball team and he was a little bit unsure about whether or not he would make it, well, I'm praying that God will help him to work hard and to do his best in basketball, and that the Lord would help him to make the team and he would enjoy it.
Sometimes the little things that I know are big things in their minds, sometimes they're tiny things that may not have long term significance, but they're significant to my children. I want to be sensitive to those things and to pray for them and with them.
Emily: That's so good. I just love that overview. You said something like, all the things. That's so good.
Laura: Bring it all. Yes.
Kristie: I think it's helpful too—there have been times when I've just kept a journal of things that I was praying for my children, so that I can see the work of God in their lives and the work of God in my life as he's answering prayers that I'm praying not only for my children. I journal prayers for other things as well. I use different tools that have helped me over the years for that. But I think journaling prayers or somehow keeping a record or just writing my prayers out, it's a sweetness to it, just a discipline of it. Then there's a sweetness added, when you can go back through those journals or those prayers that you've jotted down and see how the Lord has been so faithful to hear and to answer.
Emily: As you were talking, I was smiling really big when you were saying that when you start praying for your kids, you end up praying for yourself, confessing sin to the Lord. Because one of the ways I've tried to get more organized in praying for our kids because I feel I have 100 things—I want to pray for their future spouse, I want to pray for the way God's going to use them as an adult, I've got all these things—is to have some cards in my car that have all those topics. Over the course of a couple of months, I'll get through a lot of these different topics. Then there are spontaneous ones.
Sometimes I'll be praying, “God, help them to have self control in these different decisions.” I'm like, wait—”help me to have self control, help me to teach them” because then it comes back like, I'm supposed to be teaching them that. I'm supposed to be working with them. Then it's, “God give me wisdom.” I think I love just seeing the intersection of praying for kids, praying for ourselves, and all of it is just this big act of dependence and saying, “I can't Lord, you can. Please help.”
Kristie: Exactly. I think one prayer that has really just been a part of my prayer life from years and years ago, I heard Nancy Demoss Wolgemuth years ago, she was talking about a prayer that I believe Amy Carmichael had written in the front of her Bible. That prayer was from Betty Scott Stam, who was martyred for her faith. Betty, when she was a young girl, a teenager, she prayed this prayer. I don't have it in the front of my Bible, but I keep it on my phone, I keep it in my computer, I keep it handy because it has so shaped my prayer life, for my children and for myself.
The prayer is short, and it goes like this, it says, "Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all, utterly to thee, to be thine forever. Fill me and seal me with thy Holy Spirit. Use me as thou will. Send me where thy will, and work out thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever."
It's chilling and gripping because when Betty wrote this prayer, I think she's maybe 17 years old. A few years after that, she goes into the mission field, She's married, her and her husband are serving in China.
I can't tell the whole story here, but you’ve got to go and Google and read this story. It's amazing. But that she would pray that prayer and that God would answer it in such a profound and hard, providential way is amazing. God did just that. He used her mightily, and he sent her to a place where the gospel was not known. He worked out his will in her life at the cost of her life.
Now we have the testimony of her faith because of that. I don't know. It's just a beautiful prayer and it's one that I find myself praying often for myself, because I want my way and I want my purposes and I want my plans and my will. I have to remind myself that it ain't about me, that I need to give up my plans and purposes and to accept the Lord's will for my life. It's the same for our children.
We have plans for our children, we have a vision for them, we see gifts and skills that the Lord has given them. We want God to stoke those and stir those, and that's fine. But at the end of the day, it's not our plans and purposes that we want God to work out in the lives of our children, it’s his plans and purposes that we want him to work out in the lives of our children.
Laura: I had chills as you continued through that prayer. My mouth dropped deeper and I got more goosebumps. It was so good and so fierce—that prayer—and I feel like it's so risky. So often, I long to pray prayers like that, but there almost is a fear exactly of what you're saying, of it means that my plans probably won't come to pass. It means that I'll probably do something that isn't natural to me and that will be uncomfortable, that may feel costly. I love how the Lord turns your heart though. When you pray those kinds of prayers, he's not going to ask you to do it and then not give you what you need to do it.
I think there is an element of being prepared that this is risky, this may alter my life, this may change the way that I live. That may be just a circumstance that comes into your life and your attitude has to change, or it may come at the cost of your very life. Those are bold prayers. But one that I even just pray to the Lord is that I may have faith to pray prayers like that. I love that.
Thank you for giving that example to us. We'll find that prayer and link it in the show notes as well as the book that you mentioned earlier, just so everyone knows. We'll link those in the show notes so that you can easily find the things that Kristie's mentioning today. The last thing I want to ask you real quick before we wrap up—it's one of our most frequently asked questions here at Risen Motherhood and it's one of those things that seems simple but then you get down to it and it seems almost complex and you can get all twisted up about it—but, Kristie can you give us any advice on how to teach your children how to pray?
Kristie: Well, that's a great question. For our family, we teach our children to pray by praying. Modeling prayer is the best teacher. I think sometimes maybe the reason why it's difficult to grasp is because we have a lack of faith. We don't trust that when our kids are sitting in our laps and are falling asleep, or they're wiggling and don't seem to be paying attention, or when they're older and they're rolling their eyes and they just want to be done so they can go watch TV or play X-box or something—we feel like that is empty, that time hasn't been well spent, maybe they're not listening.
Listen to your children as you model prayer before them. Just listen as you pray before dinner and as you pray for friends and as you pray for family, you're going to hear yourself in the prayers of your children. It's worth it to be thoughtful about how we pray and what we pray because the modeling of our prayers to our children, they're going to pick it up. I hear it everyday when we're on our way to school and we're praying in the car or wherever. I'm hearing myself through the mouths of my children as they pray and as we pray together.
I think modeling prayers is just it. I also think it is helpful to tell them stories and to show them examples of prayers like this one by Betty Stam as they get older. Then help them to memorize prayers. There are short passages in scripture that are prayers that we can teach our children and help them to just memorize the words of the Lord. It's a way of teaching—memorizing scripture. Again, if you go back to the Psalms those are prayers. Those are songs. Those are oftentimes petitions. Just memorizing scripture is a way of teaching our children to pray. Then, pray about praying.
[laughter]
Pray about our children’s prayer lives as well. I feel like that is something that I've not prayed faithfully about as a parent. As a parent I've not prayed often about my children's prayer life. I've prayed for a lot of other things about their lives, their spiritual lives but not specifically about their prayer lives. That would be something that I would say too. Model prayer in the way that you pray and teach them prayers from scriptures, short passages that are prayers that we find in scriptures. Then show them examples and tell them stories about people who were faithful in prayer and how God answered.
Teach them about George Muller. Teach them about Betty Stam. Teach them about Elizabeth Elliot and other saints that we know of. Teach them about Phyllis Wheatley and her poetry infused with prayers. Those are ways of teaching and modeling prayer for our children.
Emily: That is so good and so rich. It is amazing. We just have a very few years of experience of this, but I've noticed—our oldest is seven and our youngest is two. She'll pray aloud just because that's what she hears everybody do. It's like that's what she hears and so I don't know—I've never really sat with her and taught her what to say, but she knows she's supposed to say, "Dear God,” and then at the end she'll go, “Amen." Maybe nothing much in between.
When I think of my own life, like how I have learned to pray, I think it's scripture, but it's also been watching other saints, just like what you're saying. Watching them pray and even watching their dependence or their quickness to go before the throne. Or somebody who is willing to say, "Oh, why don't we stop right now. Can we just take this to the Lord right now?" Wow, that's a huge example to me. That shows me what it looks like when I'm talking with my kids or I'm talking with a friend. It's like, no, I really can stop everybody and say, “let's pray." This is what it looks like. That's really encouraging.
Kristie: That's right. I think I want to encourage folks, just think about—particularly moms—think about when you and your family are at the dinner table, how many times you have seen when you sit down at the dinner table, your children already have their hands clasped. They already know because it's been modeled before them so many times and so often, that they know, "Okay, now is the time that we give God thanks for the food." Or times you pray as a family. I remember our oldest, she would pray with one eye open.
[laughter]
Looking for things to pray for and she's like, "God, I thank you for that wall and I thank you for that book. God thank you for the plant."
Laura: I love that. We have one of those pray-ers in our house too. [laughs]
Kristie: Exactly. Again, she's really is only mimicking what she's seeing. She's heard mom and dad pray and thank God for so many things that she wants to thank God for everything too. I would just say to be encouraged, look for those things and acknowledge God's grace in those things when you see them in your children.
Laura: I love that Kristie. This has been just such an encouragement to me personally of wanting to go back and just think about how I'm praying, how I'm approaching the throne, how I’m modeling prayer for my kids. Thank you for sharing such great wisdom. I know that the women who are listening—I pray that they'll go back and also have lots to share with others and to think on and to implement in their own lives. As we wrap up here, can you just tell everyone where they can find you, so that they can get more of this goodness that we're hearing today?
[laughter]
Kristie: Well, you can normally find me in my kitchen or my study at home.
[laughter]
Laura: Were coming knocking!
[laughter]
Kristie: Well, you can—you sure can. On social media, I'm mostly just on Instagram and Facebook. Those are the places that I hang out the most. You can follow me there.
Laura: Perfect. We’ll link Kristie's handles in the show notes, of course. If you want to find those, you can head to risenmotherhood.com. There's a podcast button you can click on, and it will be the first show if you're listening the week of release, or you can search Kristie's name or prayer on our site and it will pop up. You can also find Risen Motherhood, @risenmotherhood, on all major social media platforms—Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Of course, we will link Kristie's Instagram handle and Facebook page and all that good stuff on those platforms as well if you'd like to learn more about her.
Thanks again, Kristie. This has been a true joy.
Kristie: It has been my pleasure. Thank you so much.