Ep. 156 || When Motherhood Feels Lonely: Nurturing Friendship in Motherhood Transcript
This transcript has been edited for clarity.
Laura: Welcome back to another episode of Risen Motherhood! I’m Laura and I’m excited to share a little about today’s special show. Today we’re talking about friendship in the season of motherhood—why we need friends, how to connect, what our expectations should be, and how to take conversations to the heart level. We want this to feel like you are dropping into a conversation, hearing several women share short but candid stories about what they’ve learned and how they would encourage other women according to the wisdom found in God’s word. These moms are in different stages of life and have different perspectives to consider! We know this is a huge topic, but we hope that as you listen, you’ll be reminded that even in the busyness of motherhood, we’re not created to live life in isolation. We’re meant to walk alongside others as we look to Christ.
Before we jump in, we’d like to introduce these women to you. We know this will go fast, so if you want to find anything here, we’ll list additional information on our show notes at risenmotherhood.com in the order each person shared.
Hunter Beless is a wife, mother of three, and podcast host of Journey Woman, a gospel-driven resource for women seeking to gracefully navigate the seasons and challenges they face on their journeys with God.
Jennie Allen is a Bible teacher, author, and the founder and visionary of IF:Gathering. She is the author of Restless, Anything, and her most recent book, Get Out of Your Head. She lives in Dallas with her husband and their four children.
Laura Hardin and her husband, Adam, live in Landover, MD with their three children. As a writer, she strives to encourage women to abide in Christ by committing themselves to the word of God, prayer, and fellowship.
Kelly Needham is a writer and speaker that lives in Dallas with her husband, Jimmy, and three children. She is the author of Friendish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion and is a regular contributor to Revive Our Hearts.
Okay, let’s get to the show...
Hunter Beless: I’ve lived in seven different cities over the past decade. That said, I’ve had lots of opportunities to make friends. At first, given the circumstances, it felt impossible to quickly form kindred-hearted friendships. I developed really close relationships with people from college and with all of this moving around, it felt like I wouldn't ever have time to really know and be known by women like that again. Plus, I didn't even know where to find them!
But as we've continued to step into various communities all over the country, I've learned that if we are in Christ, we have much in common! Looking back, it almost sounds like this learning experience was super polished, but I can assure you that it was clunky and it was awkward. It looked like (and still looks like) spending time with people I don't have a natural affinity for.
But, I came to see over time that kindred hearts aren't formed over speaking the same first language, sharing similar music preferences, or over our educational background. Because of the grace of God, we can do as Paul says in Romans 12 and love one another with brotherly affection, even if we don't share the same parenting methods, decorating styles, or—God bless it—a love for Mexican food. Rather, kindred hearts are found in our shared need for a Savior.
Regardless of our upbringing or social status, we stand leveled at the foot of the cross in desperate need of his grace. It's there, under the cross of Christ, that we find deep-seated friendship in the gospel. Standing in the shadow of God’s grace, we can actually welcome one another as Christ has welcomed us, with arms open wide! There, at the foot of the cross, we are the same! We have a mutual, all consuming need for a Savior! As we acknowledge that, all of the surface level connections that we tend to cling to in friendship are totally leveled. When we see ourselves rightly, standing at the foot of the cross, we experience intimacy in our union with Christ!
So, let's linger long at the cross of Christ. Let's ask the Lord to give us eyes to see women who we can link arms with there—in our all-consuming love for him. Let's not look to surface level connections for true, heart friends. Let's look at the heart and find friends who can show us more of who God is and cause us to relish in our shared affection for him.
Jennie Allen: I want to tell you why friendship matters so much in these early years of mothering. I think we have to take this seriously, and this can't be something haphazard that you’re like, “you know, I really wish for friends.” You have to treat this like, we're at war, these years are lonely, and I have to have this in my life. You cannot feel selfish about it, you have to fight for it, and you need to put it in your life in a regular way. So whether that means sharing sitters, taking turns taking care of each other's kids—I don't really care. But you’ve got to be creative, and I'm telling you whatever we are motivated to do, we will do.
I want to tell you the dangers of not having this in your life. One, you are under attack. You are raising up the next generation, and it matters more than you can ever understand when you're sitting there changing diapers. So you need people in your life fighting for your mind, fighting for your faith, making sure that when you walk out of these years of raising young kids that you are still in love with Jesus, still in love with your husband, and still like your kids. These are the things that we’re fighting for, for each other, and you can't do that alone. Scripture is clear about that. We are not meant to be alone. It is not good for us to be alone.
So you have to prioritize this. It's for the good of your family, and it's for the good of the kingdom. The reason that this matters so much and why it's so in jeopardy for these years is that we act like we're victims to our schedules, to our kids, to our life stage, when we are never victims. We always have a choice. We can always make different choices.
Sorry, I’m mama bear-ing y’all because I know that sometimes we just need to be told what to do.
So what you need to do is, you need to text two people and say, “I need you in my life. I need you in my life regularly, and we're going to prioritize this.” You lead out, and you say, “Okay, we're going to get together every week for the next six months.” Maybe not forever into infinity, but make plans to share sitter—whatever you have to do. You get that hour and a half and you get honest. I mean honest. Raw. Say it all. Don't waste your time. Don't just sit there and talk about the weather. You talk about your marriage. If you're single, you talk about your relationships that are holding you together right now. You talk about whatever it is that might challenge your faith, your time with God, your view of your kids. You confess if you yelled and screamed at your kids that morning. You say it all, because, honestly, everybody else is struggling too, and we don't have time to waste.
Laura Hardin: I didn’t really do a good job of spending time with other moms after my first was born. It was still hard to believe I was a mom. And as an introvert, I just wasn’t that proactive about building new friendships.
After my second was born, my son was fourteen months and I found myself in the trenches of caring for needs all the time, and suddenly I had a greater need for other moms in my life. I needed their experiences, their advice, their fellowship, and their prayers. I went to playdates, lingered in the church nursery, and it still seemed hard to move beyond practical wisdom to building up one another in our faith. I was hungry for more but I didn’t know how to get there. Honestly, I think I was fearful of being seen as “that” person—the super spiritual mom who can't lighten up. When I shared my frustration with a friend she recommended asking, “how can I be praying for you?”
That was two years ago. And while that question has taken conversations in a spiritual direction, I’ve found that if I want others to share on a deeper level, I need to pave the way by being the first to go there.
Just recently I shared with the same friend an incident that happened at a local restaurant that had shattered any pride I had in myself as a mother. There was a lot of sin and failure and shame. So much so that it had taken me forever to feel like I could talk to anyone about it. After I shared, this friend told me two stories where she experienced the same kind of humiliation in front of others.
She encouraged me in the reality that our Heavenly Father watches over and loves our children more than we do. She pointed me to his lavish grace that keeps them even in the midst of our mom fails. She spoke with compassion because she knew what I was feeling. But she had so much hope, because it’s in these moments of sin and brokenness that we remember how much we need the good news of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
I share this story because it shows that it takes a bit of bravery to enjoy rich fellowship with other moms. It’s more than recounting Bible verses and good theology, it’s applying them to real situations, even the ones that make us feel raw, undone, and tempted to give up.
We share these things and we invite others into them. We ask for prayer. We pull back the curtain on our walk with God and let them see how we’re clinging to his promises in the ups and down of our weeks. And then we ask, “how’s that going for you?” People are often willing to open up when we’ve created safe spaces with our own vulnerability.
Kelly Needham: When I consider the role of friendship in my life as a mom, there’s a real tension that I feel.
On the one hand, I need my friends! It is not ok for me to do life alone and in isolation. My friends are an irreplaceable gift of God in my life! But on the other hand, my friends are not the ultimate thing that my soul needs. I need Jesus above all other things!
But sometimes, I’m tempted to look to my friendships for things that only God can give me.
I remember this happening right after I moved to a new city. I’d been praying and asking God to provide me with at least one friend who wanted to study the Bible with me, and he had answered! I’d been meeting with my new friend for several months, when I texted her to see if she wanted to get together for a play date that afternoon.
Well her response was very kind, but she also told me “no.” She couldn’t get together because she was already meeting with another friend later that afternoon, someone that we both knew.
And in that moment, sitting at my kitchen table, I remember a sea of insecurities welling up in my heart. I began to question my friendship with her. I remember wondering where I stood with her. Was I important to her? Was she just humoring me because I was the new girl in town? She’d known this other friend for way longer than me, so maybe I didn’t matter as much.
Have you ever felt that way? Or wondered about where you stood with someone? Maybe it was seeing one of your friends on instagram spending time with someone else? Or seeing that baby shower invitation on someone else’s fridge and wondering why you didn’t get one.
Well, underneath all of this, what we’re really wondering is: Am I important? Do I matter? Am I significant to someone?
And the truth is, only Jesus can give us the significance that we’re searching for. Paul said in Philippians 3 that everything is a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus! It’s friendship with Christ that gives us significance.
But we’re all tempted to look to one another for that. And that’s the tension that we have to balance as we pursue friendships with one another. We do need each other. It is important to pursue friendship. But as soon as we start to elevate it into the place of Christ, it becomes a problem.
And for me that day in my kitchen it was becoming a problem. I remember getting down on my knees in that moment, asking God to help my heart believe what my head already knew: that knowing him was enough. Knowing the God of the universe loved me was all the significance I needed.
And God met me in that moment of prayer and freed me from that tight grip I had on my new friendship. And I began to pray for her, that she would have a good time hanging out with someone else. When I let God meet my need for significance, I was able to stop using my friend and instead serve her in prayer.
This is the work we’re called to as we pursue friendships with one another. Yes, we need our friends. But no, they cannot meet our souls deepest needs. And, as Christians, we have to balance that tension well.