Growing Gospel Resilience in Our Children
I’m the only female in my entire household and have learned far more about sports than I ever imagined I would. Most of the time, the sports facts I hear go in one ear and come right out the other; however, every once in a while, one gets laced into the way I think.
For example, I’ve learned that one of the determining factors for the strength and maturity of a team is a study of their response to critical errors such as turnovers, interceptions, or own-goals. As such, the play following critical errors is often more significant than the play in which the error occurred. If, after a perceived failure, the team is able to regroup and move forward, they are considered mature and resilient. Thus, PACE (plays after critical errors) is a measure of maturity and resiliency.
Many psychologists, sociologists, and educators have noted an increased fragility and lack of resilience in what is commonly known as Generation Z. In their joint book The Coddling of the American Mind, Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt explore the factors leading to such alarming trends, including the increased focus on safety from well-intended parents and educators. Desires for the safety and success of our children are good desires; however, like any good desires, they become dangerous when they become ascendant and preeminent. The apostle Paul uses the word epithumia (which literally means “over desire”) when he speaks of our tendencies to make good things ultimate.
Our children are far more observant than we might think. They can sense our fear and/or our need for them to succeed and perform well, in whatever form that may take in our family. Our over-desires color our households and stain the souls of our children. Such a reality is sobering and convicting for me as I navigate parenting our three growing boys.
I have a strong propensity to perfectionism that the Lord has been chipping away since he grabbed me up and drew me from the domain of darkness and into the light of the kingdom of his Son. I see it being played out now in my oldest son, who is a chip off the old perfectionist block. One small mistake—a missed math problem or a grade less than superlative for him, an erroneous email or a sub-par Bible study for me—and we begin to crumble. Our shoulders droop, our hearts sag, and we are tempted to paint the rest of the day in dark colors. I know it sounds dramatic, but this is the reality of a recovering perfectionist.
Then the Lord reminds me that he is growing my gospel resiliency, little failure by little failure, miscommunication by miscommunication, miss by miss. I am slowly learning to measure my spiritual maturity not on perfection and performance but on my response to my failures and my sins.
Do I quickly turn from wrongdoing and walk in repentance? Am I quicker to remember that I am loved no matter the scoreboard? Is my heart drawn closer to the Father who loves me even in my mistakes? Am I more able to bounce back and continue through the rest of the day under his unalterable approval?
King David grew in his gospel resiliency after his epic failure with Bathsheba. It took him many months and a clever conversation with a concerned Nathan to own his sin. However, when he did, he repented into the arms of a redeeming God. He failed forward into grace.
“Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:7-10).
When our children fail (and they will)—whether in sports, school, or sin patterns—we have an opportunity to push them toward maturity. As we teach our children what repentance means, we are also commanded to model that same repentance and gospel resilience. Our feet should create ruts of righteous repentance that our children’s feet can follow in their own failures. Even apart from our sin, we get to model the risk-taking that flows from an identity secured in the love of Christ. As believers, we can try hard things or attempt new things or push through obstacles and hindrances because our identity is not rooted in our performance or the way others perceive us.
In an age of growing fragility, the gospel frames us for both resilience and repentance. In an age where ego and self loom large, we have ample opportunity to point others to a love much larger than our failures and a Savior sovereign over our limitations. May we become people who fail forward and keep PACE with the Spirit within us.
