Love and Lament: How to Help Our Suffering Friends
Editor’s Note: As we come alongside sisters who are struggling, there may be a variety of helpful services to point them towards in addition to biblical lament (such as professional counseling, pastoral shepherding, medical care, etc.). We encourage you to consider the context of your friend’s needs.
We all naturally turn to something or someone when we are suffering. For me, during our daughter’s cancer journey, it was obsessive cleaning (I even broke a mop aggressively scrubbing my floors until the plastic handle snapped). The things we turn to for comfort, control, or consistency—like my mopping—aren’t necessarily bad. But in and of themselves, they aren’t going to relieve our fears or satisfy our hearts for long.
When a friend suffers, we might be tempted to jump into distraction mode: take her away somewhere, send funny memes, or deliver her favorite treat. Those can be good ways to serve a suffering friend, but they won’t ultimately satisfy her broken heart. She needs a more substantial anchor. And, in the gift of lament, we can help point her there.
Help Her Turn to the Lord
As we come alongside a suffering friend, we can turn her to Jesus first. Between other distractions or comforts we might offer, we can also remind her that God cares and wants to listen to her.
It might be as simple as offering to pray for her at the end of a phone call. Or filling a stack of index cards with favorite Bible verses for her to keep on hand. Maybe it’s simply listening with a tissue box nearby, similar to how Jesus wept at the graveside of his friend.
In a dark valley, it’s easy to start grasping at anything that will give a temporary glimmer of light. Without friends routinely helping her turn to the Lord, our friend may struggle to find her way through the darkness. It is a holy calling to hold that flashlight for her and point to Jesus.
Encourage Her to Lament
As we look to Christ together in suffering, we may also have opportunities to encourage biblical lament.
Lament can feel strange—almost like the whining and complaining we teach our kids not to do. In the biblical context, however, lament is much different. It’s not grumbling against God or fussing when our preferences aren’t met. Lament is instead a humble cry of a broken heart within a fallen world, agreeing with God that it’s not supposed to be this way.
After a struggling friend mentions how hard things are right now, we might hear her say something like, “I’m sorry for complaining! I know it could be worse. I’m trying to be optimistic, but it’s just so hard right now.”
This can be an opportunity to gently encourage her to take her complaint to God in the form of lament. We can validate and help her name the disconnect she’s experiencing between her lived-in reality and what she knows is true of God’s character. Maybe she knows God’s promise to be near the brokenhearted[1] but feels like God has abandoned her. We can remind her of what Scripture says and ease her mind that nothing she says to God is going to diminish his love for her.[2]
Intercede for Her through Prayer
When we are suffering, it can be painful to hope. We get weary of repeating ourselves to God. If we notice this in our suffering friend, it might be time to intercede through prayer on her behalf.
While our four-year-old was in cancer treatments, I became so afraid that God would choose not to heal her this side of heaven that it was almost impossible for me to pray that he would. A dear friend stepped in, and her daily prayer became, “Lord, let Alice be your miracle.” She made the request that my lips couldn’t. She stepped in and prayed the hope-filled prayers, asking God to live up to who he says he is. She wasn’t being arrogant or rude before the Lord but was trusting that our daughter was included in his loving affections.
Moses’ friends held up his arms in battle. Lazarus’ friends sent word to Jesus to come quick! If our friend is suffering, we too have been given a holy opportunity to love her and to intercede when her heart is worn out from tossing.[2]
Anchor Her Heart on God’s Good Character
We can’t truly lament unless we start from a place of trusting that God is who he says he is. And we can’t finish lament well unless we come back to those same truths.
Grief and suffering can be so overwhelming that our friend may forget God’s goodness in the middle of the journey. She might need help remembering that God really is kind, loving, and forgiving. Here are a few verses that might help us minister to her:
If she fears God will never forgive her: “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:11-12).
If she needs reminding that God is with her in her parenting: “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young” (Isaiah 40:11).
If she has forgotten that God loves her: “Hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:5).
If she is overwhelmed by fear: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior” (Isaiah 43:1b-3a).
It is a gift to love a suffering friend. We get to walk with her to the foot of the cross and help her pour out her heart to the Lord who made her, sustains her, and will never stop loving her. We get to hope for her, pray for her, encourage her, and remind her of God’s unfailing love. We get to help her lament.
[1] Psalm 34:18; Isaiah 61:1
[2] Psalm 103:17, Romans 8:38-39
[3] Job 7:4
