Mommy Guilt: The Robber of Joy
“Maybe we shouldn’t go out tonight.”
I could see the look of surprise and disappointment on my husband’s face. Mom guilt was pressing in. I was battling in my mind whether we should go on a date or have a family night at home. Are we devoting enough time to the kids? Do they feel like we’re leaving them too much?
My husband responded with some wise words: “One of the best things we can do as parents is show them that we really like each other. Dating each other is a good model for the kids to see.”
That was just the reminder I needed to push aside my false guilt. So we got them some ice cream for dessert, let them pick a movie to watch together, and off we went (the joys of having older kids). Everyone was happy, and Ben and I enjoyed a fun evening of kayaking.
The Myth of Supermom
I know I’m far from being alone in the battle with mommy guilt.
A while back I noticed a post from a young mom on social media, pouring out her feelings of despair over not being a good enough mom. She sent a plea out into the cyber abyss sharing how she always felt like she wasn’t giving her kids enough—enough time, energy, fun experiences, and more. My heart went out to her. I could identify with the feelings she honestly expressed. She was searching for validation in her mothering skills. And as the responses rolled in, she was affirmed in what a good mother she actually was.
In the midst of our guilt, our joy is depleted. Instead of enjoying our children as the gifts that they are, we’re plagued with the yoke of false guilt.[1] False guilt has nothing to do with what’s true and accurate, nor is it related to true repentance. Rather, it is usually the fear of disapproval in disguise, and this problem especially hounds people who have a hyperactive or malfunctioning conscience.[2] Maybe we’re fearful that we won’t be a good enough mom to our kids, or that our friends will think we’re less than perfect mothers. The gift of caring for our little ones becomes drudgery as we think about how we don’t measure up to the image of Supermom. We’re sure that our neighbor is doing a far better job mothering than we are—feeding her kids nutritious meals or signing them up for all the best activities. As we dwell on our negative thoughts, the joy is sucked out of our lives.
Culture of Comparison
In our day and age, it’s easy to feel like we’re never doing a good enough job. We live in a culture of comparison. Just open up your social media account and you can see plenty of reasons you aren’t measuring up to the mom who is packing her kids’ lunches with homemade bread, the mom who created an elaborate thematic birthday party (with live camels), the mom who helped her daughter create a replica of the Taj Mahal for her school project. Suddenly my box cake mix and “Happy Birthday!” sign hung in our dining room don’t seem like enough.
We quietly compare ourselves with the moms in our friendship circles, on social media, and at our churches, and judge whether we’re doing an adequate job. While a godly example of another mom can spur us on to love and good deeds (being inspired to pray and read scripture with our kids at the start of each day), sinful comparison leads us into a downward spiral. Pride can puff us up to say, “At least I’m not doing that.” But it can also make us fall into feelings of despair and self-pity.
Finding Righteousness in Mothering
The constant battles over the “right” way to mother our children can leave us feeling confused, angry, jealous, proud, or depressed. There are endless debates over the type of schooling we choose, to work or not to work outside the home, breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, organic versus non-organic food, even the type of sunscreen you’re using.
How we respond to these options reflects who or what we’re trusting for our validation as a mom. If we find ourselves getting defensive and upset over our friend’s passion to homeschool her children, for instance, we might need to check our own hearts.
It might be good to ask ourselves why we feel the need to convince others of our way of eating, or schooling, or caring for our families. There is a constant temptation to find our righteousness in our standard of mothering instead of in Jesus. We may not even realize we’re doing it. When we focus so much on the way we mother our children, we often lose the joy of mothering our children.
Our Joy in Christ
When the feelings of mom-guilt begin to tempt you, ask God to help you discern whether it’s valid. We should feel guilt when we’ve truly sinned, or have selfishly neglected the needs of our families. But oftentimes that guilt is creeping in from our own comparisons with others.
Our righteousness does not come from providing our children with the picture-perfect childhood, or the most nutritious meals, or the best education. Our righteousness comes from Christ alone. “As by the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man’s obedience the many will be made righteous” (Rom. 5:19).
God didn’t design motherhood to be a call to drudgery, but a joy-filled call to love and serve for the good of our children and the glory of God.[3] When those feelings of mommy guilt begin to press in, we need to remind ourselves of the truths of God’s word.
Our worth, identity, and joy aren’t found in being the best mom on the block, but in knowing that we are a beloved child of the King. Even in our worst parenting failures, we are reminded of God’s love for us. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). Our joy and gratitude are made full when we bank on the promises of God’s word and trust that he will finish the good work he started in us.[4]
Only in Jesus are we able to truly be free from mommy guilt-trips, and trust that his blood has cancelled all our sin. Ask him for wisdom (which he loves to give) as you seek to make the best decisions in your mothering.[5] Then walk in the freedom and joy that he provides—and don’t be afraid to go out on that date!
[1] Psalm 127:3
[2] Paul Coughlin, “Healthy Guilt vs. False and Harmful Guilt,” February 1, 2008, https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/healthy-guilt-vs-false-and-harmful-guilt/.
[3] 1 Peter 4:11
[4] Philippians 1:6
[5] James 1:5
