Joy: Why Motherhood Doesn’t Have to be Ideal to Have Joy
Have you ever imagined an ideal day of motherhood? In my imagination, the kids sleep quietly until seven without stirring, crying, or accidentally slamming a bathroom door. I have an uninterrupted quiet time and at least one cup of coffee before greeting anyone. Breakfast is bountiful and received with thanksgiving. People take turns talking and not a drop of milk falls out of place. I check everything off of my list, plus I have extra time to read a book. Questions are framed politely. Everyone gets what they need by themselves. There are no surprises and no one runs late or needs discipline. I’m in a great mood and don’t struggle with impatience or discontentment. Summed up in a sentence? Everything goes right.
While each mom’s ideal day looks different, most of us imagine that joy lies just on the other side of that perfect day. We think that if people were just where they were supposed to be, doing what they were supposed to be doing, we’d finally grasp joy. We determine that if we finally got ourselves together and did a better job of home management, meal-planning, and schedule-finessing, we’d find balance and experience deep happiness. Or maybe motherhood is already so far from our ideal picture because of unexpected medical challenges, long seasons of infertility or multiple miscarriages, extended-family estrangement, or marital strain—we’re convinced joy is out of reach.
But if circumstances are the obstacle between us and joy, how can we grasp it? I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had a day like the ideal one I described. Motherhood itself is a gift, and there have been many beautiful moments, but it’s never long before hard things come.
Facing a less-than-ideal version of motherhood leads me down several paths, but it’s usually not the path of joy. I’m tempted to lose hope and get cynical or crabby. I start to focus more on what I don’t have instead of enjoying what I do. Maybe you don’t struggle with those things, but a less-than-ideal day causes you to go into “fix-it” mode—making more lists, taking on more projects, or correcting everything that doesn’t meet your standards.
Regardless of how we respond, trying to find joy in our ideal version of motherhood will leave us empty-handed. We might have happy moments of relational connection and laughter or times of deep love and peace or an overwhelming gratitude for our children, but these feelings aren’t always steadfast. If ideal circumstances and good feelings about the role of motherhood aren’t a source of lasting joy, then what is? And once we find it, do we have any hope of holding onto it for good?
What is Joy?
Let’s figure out what we’re talking about here. Is joy the feeling we get when someone brings us our favorite latte? Is it the sensation of cradling a clean snuggly baby in our arms? The loving connection in a healthy marriage? Merriam-Webster says that joy is the, “experience of great pleasure and delight,” so many of those examples qualify.[1] Taken broadly, joy is available in life’s ideal moments—when we’re laughing with our kids or dipping our toes into the ocean. But is this what the Bible means when it refers to joy, especially as a fruit of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts?[2]
The Greek word for joy in Galatians is chara. I’m no Greek scholar, but a review of other verses in the Bible which use that word gives us a better picture. We see the word chara used to explain the joy of Christ’s birth announcement,[3] a Christian’s experience of coming into the presence of God after being found faithful,[4] a gift that Christ gives his disciples,[5] and the response of seeing the gospel spread.[6] It’s a word that describes God’s kingdom and the result of a unified church.[7] But before we think that it’s only rainbows and butterflies, it’s also a word present in affliction. The Bible tells us that Jesus endured the cross because of the joy set before him and that joy can be present in deep suffering.[8]
How do we define this type of joy? I like John Piper’s take:
“Christian joy is a good feeling in the soul, produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.”[9]
This definition holds two things together that we’ve already found—that joy is a good feeling and that it’s not linked to perfect circumstances. It’s from a different source altogether.
Where is Joy Found?
Here’s some good news for moms who have never experienced their ideal day or who feel like nothing goes right—joy is found in a person, not a set of circumstances. This means that our kids can make us smile from ear to ear or totally miss the mark without shaking our joy. It means that our marriage can be amazing or on the brink of collapse without stealing our joy. It means that we can be walking through the deepest affliction, the hardest diagnosis, the worst-case-scenario moment and still have joy if we have him.
Who could possibly be this perfect, steadfast, everlasting, and powerful? Who could be such a source of warm feelings in our soul on good days and hard ones? Jesus Christ!
One of my favorite verses talks about this source. In it, the Psalmist says, “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Ps. 16:11). When I used to read this, I imagined an ambiguous orb of glowing light at God’s right hand. Or maybe some scenes of heaven—flowering fields and smiling saints. But the verse took on a completely new meaning when I realized who is sitting there—Jesus Christ.[10]
If we want to know joy, we must know Jesus. To know Jesus, we have to stop finding joy in lesser things, even our ideal version of motherhood. We have to believe that Jesus is alive and seated at the right hand of God, and follow him all the days of our lives. We have to walk with him—reading the Scriptures, spending time in prayer, and meditating on who he is and what he’s done.
How Does Joy Change Us
Once we have our eyes fixed on the source of true joy, then what? Are we bound to have only happy feelings? Can we ever cry again, feel worried or disappointed, or have a hard day? We can, and we will. Joy in Christ doesn’t change our circumstances, but it does change our faith in the midst of them. We can have good feelings because of who Jesus is, what he’s done for us, and what he’s going to do even when life is sad or hard. This type of deep, steadfast, unchanging joy transforms us in many ways, but here are a few that a Christian mom can experience today. True joy causes us to:
Rejoice
Rejoicing is our reaction to God’s character, faithfulness, goodness, and grace—it’s what we do when the Spirit, “causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.” This might look like a prayer of thanksgiving, singing a song of worship, or giving someone else encouragement from Scripture. The Bible says we can do this anytime, but especially when we’re walking through hard things.[11]
Enjoy
Did you know that finding joy in Christ frees us up to enjoy other things? When people don’t have to bear the weight of our good feelings and expectations, they can just be what they are—image bearers, sinners, gifts from God. We can laugh when they do something funny, give praise when they do something great, and smile at the pleasure of our relationship with them. When our joy is in Christ, we can also enjoy his creation and the things of earth—the common graces that display God’s creativity and character. “Things” aren’t a threat to our joy when they aren’t the source of it.
Spread Joy
Have you ever been around someone who has unexplainable joy? Did you walk away from your time with them wanting a bit of that yourself? Feeling lighter or more drawn to Christ? This is what it feels like when joy spreads. When we find our joy in Christ, we get filled up and it overflows into relationships, decisions, and actions. We can bring sincere and lasting encouragement to others—pointing them to the true source of hope.
I doubt any of us are on track to have our ideal day of motherhood. Even as you read this, you might be so far behind on your list, so deep into relational conflicts or wrong reactions that you think it’s impossible to recover—that all hope for joy is lost. But remember, because joy isn’t found in your circumstances, it’s not too far gone! Turn away from staring down your day and look to Christ himself. Let your heart swell with gratitude for how good, merciful, gracious, and steadfast he is. Think about him sitting at the right hand of God, praying for you and have joy. Motherhood isn’t perfect, but he is.
[1] “Joy,” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/joy.
[2] Galatians 5:22
[3] Luke 2:10
[4] Matthew 25:23
[5] John 15:11
[6] Acts 8:8
[7] Rom 14:17; Philippians 2:2
[8] Heb. 12:2; 2 Corinthians 7:4
[9] John Piper, “How Do You Define Joy?” Desiring God, July 25, 2015, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-do-you-define-joy.
[10] Colossians 3:1
[11] Philippians 4:4; Romans 5:3
R|M Apply Questions
How have you been tempted to find your joy in people, circumstances, or in motherhood looking exactly like you want? How does it affect your heart and relationships when you view joy this way?
Write your own definition of joy based on the verses from the article or your favorite verses on joy from Scripture. Why is it critical to have that definition rooted in Christ? What changes will you make to help you remember the source of biblical joy?
Which of these actions of joy do you hope to put into practice today? Give an example of how you hope to rejoice, enjoy, or spread joy.
