Letting Go of Bitterness
Editor’s Note: This article addresses the bitterness and unforgiveness we can struggle with throughout the course of “normal” life. Please keep in mind that experiences of severe wrongdoing and hurt may also warrant outside intervention and counsel. We encourage you to reach out to pastors, professionals, and friends in your real life for help processing your specific situation. For additional resources, please visit our Suffering & Loss and Moms in Crisis pages.
“How could they do this to me?” “How could God let this happen?” When someone wounds us deeply, it can make us question not only that person, but also God himself. Our faith can tumble, leading to a very dark time of bitterness and isolation. But seeds of resentment can also grow in our hearts more imperceptibly—when our husbands choose to relax after work instead of pitching in with the kids, when another mom is inconsiderate about a struggle we’re facing at home, or when we see other families’ lovely vacations on social media. “Why isn’t anyone thinking about my needs right now?” “Why is God withholding blessings from me?”
These may be natural responses to feeling mistreated and betrayed, but how can we help our hearts respond in a godly way? We can look at Christ’s example to see how he handled being hurt by both strangers and his best friends.
Jesus’s crucifixion experience gave him every right to feel wounded, angry, and indignant:
One of his twelve closest followers sold him out for cash.[1]
The rest of his disciples fell asleep when he was in the heat of spiritual battle and needed their prayers.[2]
His companions all fled when he was arrested.[3]
His dear friend denied knowing him three times.[4]
People mocked and beat him.[5]
He was crucified with two criminals, even though he had done nothing wrong.[6]
If I had been him, I probably would have spiraled into self-pity and unhealthy coping skills long before being arrested and beaten! Remarkably, when faced with these circumstances, Jesus chose instead to pray for those who caused his pain. He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
There are many potential and equally godly responses to painful situations. Sometimes God challenges us to work through our heart issues while we remain in the situation; other times he calls us out of the circumstances first and then begins the internal work of freeing our hearts. He may help us graciously let something go, or he might lead us to articulate our concerns and needs to others with patience and grace. But regardless of our situation, we can grow in confidently yielding to God as we ponder his will for us.
What might it look like to follow Jesus’s example and release our bitterness?
Humble Ourselves
The first step might be to recognize that our perspectives are limited. When we’re in the moment, experiencing raw pain and anger, it can feel like we have all the facts—like we know exactly what that person did wrong and why. We feel justified condemning them. If we can open ourselves to other possibilities, though, and submit to God’s omniscience,[7] we can prevent the seed of bitterness from taking root in our hearts.
Most likely, we don’t know every detail about why that person did what they did. Yes, maybe they intentionally willed to harm us, but maybe it had nothing to do with us. Maybe they were going through a difficult time and we just happened to be collateral damage.
We don’t know because we aren’t God.
While we can humble ourselves in relation to other people, it’s especially beneficial to humble ourselves before God. He is the only one with the genuine authority to judge.[8]
Often at this point, I see that I’m misjudging the situation and taking offense at something innocent, or that I’m actually the one who messed up. In some cases, the offense still warrants a conversation, but prayer has readied me to approach the other person with humility. I thank God for all the times he convicted me before resentment grew.
Remember What God Has Done for Us
In Matthew 18, Jesus told a parable about forgiveness. In it, a king had pity on one of his servants, forgiving the huge debt he owed and letting the man free. This servant then ran into someone who owed him a little money. Instead of having mercy, like the king had for him, he grabbed the man by the throat and sent him to prison.[9]
When the king heard of it, he cried out to the servant, “I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?” (Matthew 18:32-33).
The Holy Spirit similarly reminds us that God has forgiven our great debt and prompts us to forgive others. This step naturally follows after humbling ourselves before our gracious King—we remember God’s great mercy for us, which we did nothing to deserve, and we are convicted of withholding it from others. God’s grace compels us to forgive others for the ways they’ve hurt us, even if there are still practical action steps we need to take or wise boundaries we need to enact moving forward.[10]
Trust That God Is Just
The process of releasing bitterness presses us into God’s character. Bitterness often takes root when we believe that God doesn’t see or care about how we’ve been hurt. We think that we have to repay the person who offended us and defend ourselves. But we can trust God to defend us and give us wisdom for how to handle conflict.[11]
Psalm 37:28 says, “For the Lord loves justice; he will not forsake his saints. They are preserved forever, but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.” When we trust that God “loves justice” and holds the cosmic balance of rights and wrongs, we can release our white-knuckle grasp on what was done against us. We can stop replaying it in our minds and pining for retribution. God will ultimately ensure that justice is done.
So let’s humble ourselves before the Lord and acknowledge the limits of our understanding. Maybe we didn’t communicate our need for help as well as we thought and our husbands need a gentle reminder. Maybe other moms can’t empathize with our struggles because they’re already drained from their own. Maybe our friends’ vacations aren’t as carefree as they seem in the photos. Let’s remember that we did nothing to deserve God’s mercy and apply that mercy to those who hurt us. Let’s trust that God is just and that he will not abandon us. And let’s choose to let the bitterness go.
[1] Luke 22:1-6
[2] Luke 22:39-46
[3] Mark 14:50
[4] Luke 22:54-62
[5] Luke 22:63
[6] Luke 23:33
[7] Prov. 3:5-6
[8] James 5:9
[9] Matt. 18:28-30
[10] Matthew 18:21-22
[11] Romans 12:19, James 1:5
