Spirit-Powered Stepmotherhood
When I said “I do” to my husband, I also said “I do” to his three sons, who at the time were ages eight, eleven, and thirteen.
Though I didn’t expect them to call me “mom,” I was unprepared for how lost I felt in my new role. If they didn’t call me “mom,” who was I? If they didn’t relate to me like a mother, how was I to treat them? I had no experience as a mother, let alone as a stepmother. My husband supported me to the best of his abilities as I learned to interact and care for his sons. However, for all his loving wisdom, my husband is another human, imperfect like me. Ultimately, I needed the Holy Spirit to teach me how to relate to my stepsons. For as healthy as it was to communicate with my spouse about these struggles, I needed to seek God too.
One day while reading Genesis, passages I’d read a thousand times before, I realized that Eve held the beginning of the answer. She had what I needed: a job description.
Eve was the first woman. She was created to be her husband’s helper and the mother of all living.[1] It is therefore interesting (and demonstrates the beautiful creativity of God) that her given name, the name that would have gone on her birth certificate, if there had been such a thing, sounds like the Hebrew word for “life-giver.”[2] By way of comparison, Adam’s name simply means “man.”[3] His name is a noun. Going by the same schematic, Eve would have been named something that means “woman” or “mother.” To the contrary, she was named a verb: life-giver. Her name described the purpose of her motherhood. As the mother of all living—not just her immediate children—Eve was called by God to be a life-giver.
As with mothering, there is no formula or one-size-fits-all approach to being a stepmother. No human author can write, for example, “5 Steps to Getting Your Stepchild to Talk to You about Their Day at School” and have it apply to all stepmom/stepchild relationships. We are too unique for that.
However, the Author of the universe can give us a calling to carry into every situation, no matter how sticky, tedious, or mundane it may be. As stepmothers, God is calling us to be life-givers. While every woman may not give physical life to a child through pregnancy, she can participate with Christ as the ultimate Life-giver to her stepchildren because the essence of life-giving is sacrifice. As a stepmother sacrifices her time and energy to give her stepchildren love, encouragement, and discipleship, she is giving life. She is pouring out her own life and pointing them to the true life that is found in Jesus Christ.
Thus, when our stepchildren come to us excited about a good grade on their assignment, we give life as we celebrate with them. When they say thank you for something, we give life as we humbly receive their gratitude. When they want our company, we give life as we make time to meaningfully engage with them.
On the not-so-nice side of the spectrum, when we get the silent treatment, we still give life with patience and gentle pursuit. When they talk about their birth mother in front of us, we give life by listening respectfully and empathetically. When we receive pushback to the new chore schedule or new foods, we give life with loving correction and a touch of humor. When we are wronged, we give life to them and to ourselves by immediately extending forgiveness.
The truth is, in most cases, I still don’t know exactly how to be a life-giver to my stepsons. For example, in one situation giving life could be enforcing the dishes-before-recreation rule, which teaches a good work ethic that will serve them as they grow, while another day it could mean washing the dishes myself in order to let them get physical rest. Choosing between the two requires quite a bit of wisdom due to the stepchild/stepparent dynamic. Because every circumstance is unique, we must continually depend on the Holy Spirit and pray for him to show us how to give life moment by moment.
Eve did not give life perfectly, either. Sin entered the world, and she failed. She could no longer live up to her beautiful name. Sometimes she might have lost her patience with Cain and Abel and anyone else who came to be under her charge. She probably didn’t always point her children to God by the way she treated them. Perhaps her wisdom was at times short-sighted. She probably got tired and wondered if she had life left to give. She also may have longed for the Savior promised to come from her lineage.[4]
You and I have one up on Eve: our Savior has arrived. He came and lived a sinless life in order to “give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). His death saves us from our sins when we confess our need for him,[5] and sets an example of the sacrifice that it is to give life.[6] So we place our trust in the ultimate Giver of life, the God-man who didn’t stay in the grave but rose again on the third day.
When Jesus returned to heaven, he did not leave us alone to love and sacrifice by our own strength. He sent us the Holy Spirit. As Jesus declared, “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth...You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you” (John 14:16–17). The promise continues: “he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:26).
When we don’t know how to give life, we can ask the Holy Spirit for help. Day by day, he will teach us. And when we feel weak, without life to give, without even words to pray, we can trust the Holy Spirit will not fail us in our desperation: “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words” (Rom. 8:26).
Stepmothers, we are not alone. The Holy Spirit is with us, and it is his power, not ours, that will help us give life to our stepchildren.
[1] Genesis 2:20; 3:20
[2] The ESV Study Bible (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2008), 57.
[3] The ESV Study Bible (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2008), 54.
[4] Genesis 3:15
[5] Romans 10:9
[6] 1 Peter 2:21
