The Only Change That Will Last (For You and For Your Kids)
How does a person change, from the inside out? Many of our interactions with our kids involve changing a behavior. We teach them and correct them, only to see them revert back to the same patterns and responses, and we realize that no amount of behavior modification can get to the root of our greatest problem: a sinful human heart.
And it’s not only our children who need to change; we do. We know that our role as mothers is a gift and a responsibility, and we love our kids—but we don’t always enjoy the daily grind. Our hearts don’t always reflect the work of our hands.
I can’t speak for you, although I imagine you desperately want to change like I do. I get discouraged by my own impatience, angry words, anxiety, self-sufficiency, and pride. I see problems within everyone but myself.
How does a person change?!
This was the question a religious man named Nicodemus needed an answer to as he came to Jesus under cover of night.
A Man Who’s a Lot Like Us
Nicodemus was a Pharisee; a Bible teacher serving God and God’s people, seeking to uphold the law and walk in God’s ways. He was hardworking, devoted, and authoritative. Sounds like a lot of moms I know.
Nicodemus had heard about how Jesus had turned water into wine. And he was there in the temple after the man had caused such a commotion that many of his Jewish colleagues came running to settle the situation. He wasn’t sure what to make of it all. Of him.
Since Jesus “knew all people” and “knew what was in man” (John 2:24–25), none of Nicodemus’s desires, doubts, or questions would have been hidden from the Light of the World, not even the ones shrouded in spiritual darkness. Still, Jesus draws him and receives him.
What a wonderful reality for us to take to heart, Mom. For all the darkness and desperation in the human soul, Jesus warmly receives all those who humbly come to him, us included. So Jesus engages the curious Nicodemus, who identifies him as a “teacher come from God” (John 3:2). Who wouldn’t want to learn from a great teacher, especially one who does miracles?
Don’t we also want wisdom and understanding and miraculous help from God as we raise our children?
You Must Be Born Again
But Jesus’ words will catch us off guard, as they did the Pharisee: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3).
Wait—Nicodemus wasn’t asking Jesus about how to get to heaven. Where did this come from?
Jesus is adjusting the Pharisee’s assumptions about who he is: I am far more than a teacher. He is also adjusting his assumptions about how a person changes: You cannot work your way into righteousness or favor with God.
A teacher of Old Testament law, Nicodemus would have been seeking the kingdom of God by diligently following God’s commands. And while obeying God’s ways is a good and admirable pursuit, it couldn’t save him. And it can’t save us.
No amount of law-abiding can make a dead and darkened heart beat. Just like behavior modification won’t change our kids’ hearts—the seat of their affections and source of their actions—it won’t change our hearts either. Trying to be a good mom won’t make us a good mom. If the problem is within us, then what we need is a fresh start—and a new heart.
Change from the Heart
This is what Jesus graciously offers to Nicodemus: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” In essence, Jesus is saying: Nicodemus, I am more than a great teacher. I have come to offer you more than instructions for how to live a good life; I have come to offer you my very life, my goodness. To make you not merely decent, but new. I have come to do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
If we are to change—if we are to see our hearts fundamentally renewed—we must lay aside our exhausting attempts to be “mom enough” and receive God’s astounding provision for us: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Jesus was born to die so we might be born again. So we would be forever changed. He was lifted up on a cross to bear the penalty for our hard-heartedness, for our selfishness and sin, and for the darkness within us.[1] He was lifted up to make good on God’s promise of rescue: “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you” (Ezekiel 36:26).
This is really good news for us, Mom. It means we can’t possibly be, in all our valiant efforts, the Rescuer and Renewer of our kids’ hearts. We can be consistent with discipline and instruction, and might even see some immediate behavior changes, but we can’t produce lasting heart-change. Only Jesus can get to the root of the problem. Only Jesus can make our kids alive.
This Good News Changes Things
Do you see how this changes things? Instead of being high-and-mighty moms who wag our fingers at our kids, confused and frustrated that they keep getting it wrong, we can be moms on our knees, humble and prayerful, as we plead for Jesus to do what only he can do.
We can be realistic moms as we discipline and instruct our children, knowing that no amount of behavior modification can change the heart. We can be compassionate moms who understand our kids’ biggest problem since it’s our biggest problem too. And we can be hopeful moms who tell them the good news about the Heart-Changer who’s in the business of rescuing sinners. Even us.
[1] John 3:14–15
This article was adapted from the book “Humble Moms: How the Work of Christ Sustains the Work of Motherhood.”
