A Letter for Moms with Spiritually Absent Husbands
Editor’s Note: When navigating your own marriage and family situation, we urge you to first and foremost seek the help and support of local church members, pastors, counselors, etc. who can come alongside your individual needs. And in cases where your husband’s unbelief may be leading to patterns of unhealthy control or even abuse, please seek safety and professional counsel immediately.
Dear Mom,
I wish I could meet you and your littles at a park to let them play while we talk. I see you torn, trying to raise them in the Lord with a husband who’s spiritually absent. You want to be united, but you feel alone. Maybe your husband doesn’t initiate family discipleship or cultivate a devotional life of his own. Or maybe he outrightly rejects the gospel. You’re desperate for some advice that will help you walk this difficult path. The truth is, there are really only four things I would tell you or any mom in your shoes: Gather frequently with God’s Church. Feed yourself the gospel every day. Feed your children the gospel everyday. And commit yourself to a lifetime of learning to love your husband well.
Get in a Gospel-Loving Church
Connecting with people in a healthy church is hard. It’s harder when you walk into a church without your husband, feeling the need to explain your story all the time. Or he goes with you, but when you try to discuss the sermon or fellowship with people, he’s silent or waits in the car. As hard as it is, you need to get there like you need to feed your family. Don’t give up.
A weekly practice of listening to the preaching of God’s Word, singing songs and hymns in community, remembering Christ crucified with broken bread and poured-out wine, and serving others will form you and your children. Going to church creates opportunities for you to share the gospel when your children, and even your husband, ask, “Why?”
Your husband may oppose you taking your kids to church. Or he may, like my husband, casually poke fun but encourage you to “Do you!” Whatever his response, if he wants a healthy relationship, your husband will support what’s important to you. Even if he doesn’t understand it, he may honor the common good that regular church attendance brings into your lives. If he opposes your decision to go to church, seek to improve the health of your marriage. Communicate. Get counseling. And, with prayer, choose what your conscience allows when it comes to church, whether your spouse approves or not.
Feed Your Soul on the Gospel Every Day
In Deuteronomy 6, Moses instructs God’s people to keep telling the good news of their redemption: “These words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (v. 6-7).
Notice: “These words . . . shall be on your heart” (emphasis mine).
You can’t give to your children what you don’t have. You need to feed yourself the gospel everyday. You will not parent perfectly. You will need much grace. The story of God’s faithful love needs to be on your heart so you can give it to your children. Whatever you must do to feed on the Word of God, do it daily. Read your Bible, pray it, sing it, write it, memorize it, play it, repeat it. Over a lifetime.
Your husband may poke fun, give you the silent treatment, or be truly interested in what you’re reading, singing, or listening to. My husband was mostly quiet about my devotional habits. On occasion, he made fun of something he heard or asked why I read the Bible when I already knew what it said. He never directly opposed my practices, but I always felt the tension.
I have had to accept the awkwardness, self-forgetfully opening my mouth to sing or push play or read. Sometimes with ear buds, sometimes out loud. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my husband nearby. And sometimes at night under the stars, preaching to myself, “Why are you cast down, O my soul? Hope in God!” (Ps. 43:5).
Feed Your Children the Gospel Every Day
Notice too, that in Deuteronomy 6, Moses gives God’s people a very organic way to tell their children the story of God’s redeeming work in their lives. He doesn’t require a specific class or book or program. We’re simply to preach the gospel to ourselves and live it out in our everyday lives—whatever we do and wherever we go. What’s required is diligence. And diligence is motivated by what we value.
My values and beliefs about God, life, and hope are exposed by what I teach my children at the breakfast table, in the grocery store when they’re fussy, and at bedtime when I’m fussy. If I value the gospel, I have to be willing to be seen as a fool or stand alone to teach my kids its truths. And when my husband doesn’t join me or finds it all to be a joke, Christ has to be worth my efforts and even loss.
Discipleship is going to be uncomfortable and maybe even confrontational at times. But Jesus is worth it.
Let Jesus Teach You to Love Your Husband Well
All that we should or shouldn’t do in marriage can be summed up in this: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Romans 13:9). It’s easy to get caught up in unfulfilled desires and forget we’re called to do the good work of building a healthy relationship—always seeking to love our husbands well.
Loving your husband will look different than mine. But Scripture gives universal principles you can apply: setting Christ apart as Lord (not your husband or marriage).[3] Wanting what’s good for your husband.[4] Praying for him.[5] Listening to understand him.[6] Showing honor where honor is due because he bears the image of God.[7] Bringing into the light what’s hurting your relationship.[8]
Let your inadequacy in this effort humble you. Our God loves to show up strong where we are weak. I know you feel alone in this. I know you feel helpless. But you can’t not be who you are. You are a Christian. Christ lives in you. He is with you. He is able to do more than you can ask or imagine according to the power that’s in you[9]—the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.[10] That’s your hope of glory.[11] That’s your children’s hope of glory. That’s your husband’s hope of glory too.
With hope in Christ,
Sheila
[1] Exodus 12:25-27
[2] Philippians 2:13
[3] 1 Peter 3:15
[4] Jeremiah 29:5-7
[5] 1 Samuel 12:23; 1 Thessalonians 5:17; Luke 18:1
[6] James 1:19
[7] Romans 13:7; Ephesians 5:33; 1 Peter 2:17
[8] Ephesians 5:11; Luke 17:3
[9] Ephesians 3:20
[10] Romans 8:11
[11] Colossians 1:27
