Honoring Birth Parents—In Our Families and Our Churches
When my husband and I got married, our pastor spoke from Philippians 2. I remember in our premarital counseling his encouragement to “do nothing from selfish ambition” and to not look to our own interests but to the interests of others. What I didn’t realize was that this foundation that was laid in the beginning of our marriage would also serve our family well when we later pursued adoption.
You see, we’re a family that is built through both biology and adoption. Some of our children I birthed physically; others were birthed by other women and then placed into our family. To outsiders, it might look or sound complex, and they would be right; adoption is complex. But in our daily, ordinary lives, we’re just family. And as we became an adoptive family, we quickly learned that, although we’re just family, our concept of family grew.
I remember the first time we went out to eat with our son’s birth mom and some of his extended first family. I can still vividly recall the nervousness of both families, holding our breaths as we first entered into the sacred space of chosen family. And I remember looking across the table, realizing that what made our chosen family work was a birth mom committed to putting the needs of her son first, doing “nothing from selfish ambition.” He was fully hers in that she birthed him and chose a life for him. And he was fully ours, in that she chose us to be the ones to parent him and love him. I realized how often birth moms were not truly honored in the conversations I had experienced surrounding adoption, and something stirred in me that day.
Since that first meal together, our love for each other has deepened and grown over time. My family has adopted again, and we’re actually in the process of adopting another child. While our journey has been far from perfect, here are three ways we strive to honor our children’s first parents:
We honor their unique stories
“Adoption is birthed from trauma” is a common phrase in adoption circles. But what it simply means is that most women who find themselves with an unexpected pregnancy and then choose adoption are facing a crisis of sorts. Whenever an adoption takes place, you can be assured that a trauma has occurred in one form or fashion. And so we can honor our children’s first families by acknowledging their trauma while also honoring their dignity as image bearers.
What does this look like practically? It means that we don’t erase their hardships or pretend that they never existed, but, at the same time, we don’t use those hardships as a way to “other” them. When we are invited into the sacredness of their stories, we do so gently, without judgment. We enter into those spaces knowing that all are broken and in need of a great Savior. And we count it a privilege to believe and live out the truth that in Christ, no story is too far gone, too broken for him to redeem.
We honor them with our words
Our family happens to have open adoptions, meaning that we have direct contact with our kids’ first families. However, regardless of the type of adoption you have, you can honor birth parents with your words. Adoption is complex, and I understand that there are some scenarios when a child is removed from their home due to safety situations. However, even in the most dire circumstances, I’ve found that Philippians 4:8 is a great guide for talking about and to our children’s birth parents: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
What does this look like practically? We stick to the truth when speaking about or to our kids’ birth parents. We don’t hide or stretch reality, but we appropriately communicate what is true about their stories and our shared story together. And yet, at the same time, we also look for the lovely, for the things that are worthy of praise, and these are the things we think about and highlight about them. Where the world might speak a narrative of shame, we fight the darkness with light and choose to speak a narrative of gospel hope and honor over them.
We honor them by showing up
Oftentimes, when we or our churches think about adoption, we initially think about how to meet the needs of the children being adopted and then their adoptive families. This isn’t wrong, but it is an incomplete picture as it is missing an important other person: birthparents!
During the adoption process, expectant mothers and fathers are often cared for by adoption agencies and other ministries, but after the adoption takes place, much of the support they had during the process falls away. There is a real opportunity for families, churches, and nonprofits to come alongside birth parents and meet their unique needs. Whether grief counseling, mentoring, job training, education, or housing, many birth parents have unique and specific needs that we can help meet! And it tangibly reflects the gospel when adoptive families and local church communities show up for and serve birth mothers and birth fathers before, during, and after adoption.
Philippians 2 also tells us that it is God who is working in us to do his good will and pleasure. So any conversation surrounding adoption that doesn’t include the welfare and God’s good will for first families is incomplete. Until I take my last breath, I’ll stake my claim—he is already there, moving in their stories. What a gift to learn from these birth parents how to do nothing from selfish ambition . . . and an even bigger gift to learn how to better honor them.
