Hope When The Heaviness Will Not Lift
Editor’s Note: Postpartum depression is a sensitive topic with many nuances. Symptoms, experiences, and treatments vary from woman to woman. This interview represents one woman's experience and what helped her in the midst of PPD and on the road to recovery. This article is not from the perspective of a biblical counselor or medical doctor. If you think you might have symptoms of PPD, we encourage you to tell someone and seek help. For immediate assistance, you can call the Postpartum Support International hotline at 1-800-944-4773 or text 503-894-9453.
A couple months after having her third child, an unfamiliar heaviness fell over Dana Phipps, smothering her hope. She once knew how to handle the hard days of motherhood. Now she felt like she was fighting underwater.
“It used to be that I could make everything better by getting out of the house and doing something different," she shares, "but nothing would lift my spirits. I've always been a doer, but now I felt I couldn’t do anything anymore. I would often say ‘I can’t’—I can’t take it when she whines anymore; I can’t pick her up when she’s fussing; I can’t deal with another complaint from the big kids; I can’t fix this situation."
Dana had never experienced postpartum depression before. She was not familiar with the feeling of defeat before the day even began. Going for walks, diffusing essential oils, instituting rest time when her youngest dropped his nap, and receiving help from family and friends all played a role in the saga of surviving another depressing day. Tempted to abandon her faith and even her family at times, she also reached out to her OB and met with her pastor.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Dana. Below she shares a few of her "I can't" statements and answers a few questions regarding what it looked like to abide in Jesus while tempted to run from it all.
Dana, can you share some of those statements with us and how you combatted them with truth?
I can't handle the fussiness of my baby.
Truth: I can love her sacrificially because I have been loved sacrificially.[1]
I can't satisfy the bigger kids or evenly divide my attention between them.
Truth: I can't satisfy them but I can point them to the one who satisfies.[2] I can be faithful to give them what I have even if it's less than what I had before by choosing the next small thing.[3] My kids need to learn that nothing will satisfy them in this world but Jesus, and their hearts will require a little need to recognize their need for him.
I can't keep going. I want to quit.
Truth: Many disciples left Jesus because of his hard teachings. After their departure, Jesus said to the twelve, "Are you going to leave?" And Peter responded by saying, "Where else would we go?"[4] I am going to choose the Lord again and again and again, because where else will I go? I have no hope anywhere else.
You mentioned that you felt like you had to relearn how to fight for your faith. What did it look like to take all this truth into the fight?
In the end, clinging to these verses looked like doing what I know I needed to do even if it didn't change how I felt. It looked like reading a scripture or devotional right after waking up.[5] It sounded like playing worship music throughout the day. I had scriptures up around the house and read them while washing dishes, cooking breakfast, and nursing the baby. I was so aware that I couldn't do anything without God, I often would step away and read something else later in the day.
I read and prayed more than I ever have—more consistently, more passionately, and more frequently—yet it didn’t change my feelings. That was very discouraging but that's how depression can be. You do the things you know you need to do but they don't lift your spirits the way they used to. While it was discouraging that these things didn't make an emotional difference, I was encouraged because I learned a lot about faithfulness. Choosing time with the Lord while I was still depressed, choosing to obey the truth despite my feelings, choosing to tell God how I felt instead of letting the feelings judge my faith. I'm not a believer because of how I feel. I am a believer because of God's grace.[6]
We can't always see what God is doing in us during times of suffering. And we don't always get to know its purpose on this side of life. But as you recall this dark season, did you learn anything that you still apply today?
Some of the habits I took on as I learned to depend on him have stuck. I still try to read a scripture first thing when I wake up. Sometimes when my husband gets up with the kids and I want to sleep more, I still see an opportunity to get up and be with the Lord. I don't do that all the time but I find it helpful when I do. I still try to seize moments in the middle of my day to read and pray. It's this intentional thing to say I could go clean the kitchen or pick up toys or prep for dinner or one of the million things on my list to do—I could do, do, do to make my day easier or I could stop and acknowledge that even if I do those things, it doesn't always make the day go better. Instead I need to acknowledge that I'm dependent on the Lord for everything.
What encouragement do you have for moms struggling with depression today?
I think the biggest encouragement is that you're not alone. We often say that to one another as moms, but it was more encouraging to me that we're not alone because our Savior knows what it’s like to suffer, to feel sad, to endure hardship, to be deserted by friends, and to feel such emotional pain that he cried actual tears of anguish. And it was somehow encouraging to know that he wasn't necessarily fighting to get out of that feeling. He obeyed the Father perfectly while fully expressing how he felt. And we don't read that the Father told him, "Stop feeling this way. You're supposed to feel something else when you're going to the cross." The Father never did that. Jesus went to the cross fully obedient, fully out of love for us, feeling all of that suffering in the midst of it.
Whether we are depressed or discouraged by all that must be done, I pray we find hope in the One who suffered, died, and rose from the dead to rescue a people incapable of lifting a finger for his glory.
Postpartum depression is not easy to talk about. I’m grateful for Dana’s time and willingness to share about such a sensitive subject. Like she said, we aren’t saved because we have the right feelings. We aren’t saved because we are never tempted to walk away. We are saved because we believe in the One who did not walk away from the cross, Jesus Christ, the founder and perfecter of our faith.[7] His grace saves us and his grace keeps us when we feel like we’re fighting underwater and getting nowhere.
[1] John 15:13
[2] Psalm 145:16
[3] Mark 12:44
[4] John 6:66-68
[5] Dana’s go-to resources:
Besides Still Water: Words of Comfort for the Soul by Charles Spurgeon
“When the Darkness Will Not Lift” by John Piper
[6] Ephesians 2:8-9
[7] Hebrews 12:2
More about Dana: When Dana is not loving on her husband, Brady, and their three little children, she's serving her church community, working part time as an intensive care nurse, or doing something fun outdoors.
