How Do I Talk to My Kids About Divorce?
“Mommy, what’s divorce?”
My five-year-old’s question hit me square between the eyes. I knew it would eventually come, but it took me off guard nonetheless.
“Why do you ask, bud?” I replied (partly to buy myself more time to come up with an answer).
“Emma started crying in class today because she said her parents are getting divorced,” he said. “I think they don’t love each other anymore.”
“Oh, that’s very sad, isn’t it?” I said. “I feel so sorry for Emma and her family. It’s not supposed to be that way.”
Maybe you’ve already found yourself in a similar conversation with your own kids. Or maybe it’s still a ways off. With nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, there’s no skirting around the issue.[1] The sad reality is that our children will know people who have been impacted by divorce, whether friends, family members, or even themselves.
How do we talk to our kids about divorce? With patience and gospel intentionality. I’ve learned from experience that the “divorce talk” isn’t a one-and-done conversation, but rather an ongoing discussion. You’ll likely find natural opportunities to revisit the topic from time to time—especially as your kids grow in maturity and understanding.
As I’ve talked with my own children, I’ve found it helpful to frame our discussions in terms of the gospel—creation, fall, redemption, and consummation. The gospel framework presented here can surely be applied to all divorce situations, but it’s primarily intended for parents who will be having general conversations with their kids about divorce. If divorce hits closer to home for you, I’m so sorry. While this article may be a good starting point, we would also encourage you to seek out additional help from counselors, pastors, trusted friends, or church family as you try to care for the souls of your children in such difficult circumstances.
Creation: God’s Good Design for Marriage
Divorce is essentially the undoing of God’s good design for marriage. What is God’s good design? As my pastor put it, it’s one of exclusivity and permanence,[2] perhaps best explained to our children in this way:
God’s good design for marriage is for one man and one woman to marry each other and stay married to each other until one of them dies.
We can see this good design when we look back to Genesis where God created Adam and Eve—man and woman—and made them one. You may want to open a Bible with your child so they understand that this is God’s design, not yours, and read Genesis 2:24 with them: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Later, in Ephesians, we learn that God’s design for marriage wasn’t arbitrary. God fully intended for our earthly marriages to be a symbol of how Christ loves his church.[3]
Look at examples of godly marriages with your kids. Point out ways your husband loves you like Jesus loves his church. Watch for couples who love each other well. Help them see how beautiful marriage can be when we follow God’s good design.
Fall: The Undoing of God’s Good Design
Sadly, we know that people don’t always follow God’s good design. When Adam and Eve sinned, God said that there would be conflict between man and woman.[4] Husbands and wives don’t love each other perfectly anymore. They sin against each other, even in relatively healthy marriages. And sometimes, they get divorced—or choose not to stay married to each other until one of them dies.
The depth and nuance of this part of the conversation really depends on the age and maturity level of your child and will require wisdom, discernment, and prayer. For example, you may want to explain to an older child how God sometimes allows for a divorce to protect the injured party, but condemns divorce when people choose not to follow God’s way in defiance.[5]
However you explain it to your child, it’s important for them to understand that divorce isn’t God’s original plan for marriage. It’s the breaking of a covenant and the undoing of God’s good design. Divorce is always the result of at least one person’s sin, and something we should be sad about. Its effects are far-reaching—harming families, churches, and communities. As such, we never want to glamorize divorce or try to make it more palatable for our kids.
Redemption: Christ Reconciling God and Man
The good news? God doesn’t leave us without hope. He sent Jesus to rescue us from our sin by dying on the cross.
Our children need to know that all people are sinners and do things that dishonor God. But as Christians, we believe that no person or relationship is ever too far gone for God. We earnestly hope that, if and where it’s needed, people who are divorced will repent and be reconciled with God and (if possible) each other. After all, we know that our God has the power to give us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ![6]
In the meantime, we should encourage our kids to love people who are going through divorce as Christ loved us: by weeping with them, praying for them and their families, serving them, and sharing the hope of the gospel whenever opportunities arise. If God does bring healing to what was once a broken relationship, then we can celebrate together and thank God for his marvelous work of redemption in the lives of our friends or family members.
In some instances, full restoration of a marriage will not be possible, but we can still rejoice in how our God redeems family situations even after divorce. Look for ways God has blessed a blended family or cared for someone after divorce. Show your children how you can rejoice in the good things God has done amidst the brokenness.
Consummation: The Forever Marriage
One day there will be no more divorce. Instead, there will be a big, glorious wedding feast in Heaven to celebrate the sweet forever marriage between Christ and his church.[7] Followers of Jesus will be in a loving relationship with God forever. Imagine that day with your kids, and rejoice in it together!
Until that day comes, however, our children will likely ask about divorce. And when they do, we can offer them hope-filled assurance. If you’re married, your kids may worry about your own marriage. To ease their fears, you may say, “Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. We promised God and each other that we would stay married until we die, and we want to keep our promise.” But don’t stop there because we have an even greater assurance to give our kids. “Whatever happens, you can be sure of this: God loves you, he never breaks his promises, and he alone is always faithful.”
[1] “Marriage and Divorce,” American Psychological Association, https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce#:~:text=They%20are%20also%20good%20for,subsequent%20marriages%20is%20even%20higher.
[2] Bullmore, Mike. “The Two Shall Become One Flesh.” Sermon, Crossway Community Church, Bristol, Wisconsin, October 4, 2020, https://cwc.church/sermon/the-two-shall-become-one-flesh/.
[3] Ephesians 5:31–32
[4] Genesis 3:15
[5] Matthew 5:32, 19:9; I Corinthians 7:15
[6] 1 Corinthians 15:56-57
[7] Revelation 19:6–9
Editor’s Note: This article is intended to help parents have initial or general conversations with their kids about divorce and may not be appropriate for families who are walking through divorce themselves. For related resources, check out our Suffering & Loss Resources.
