Loving My Husband’s Mother
Editor’s Note: The following article discusses in-law relationships within normal, healthy family contexts, and we recognize that some situations involve more hurt and complexity. In such cases, please seek out the wisdom and help of pastors, friends, and counselors in your own community.
Mother-in-law. Just the word alone can evoke unease and tension.
A full decade ago, the engagements of our three children occurred in quick succession. Both love and wedding planning were in the air, accompanied by worry over my soon-to-be mother-in-law title. I’d heard all the jokes—some over-exaggerated and some rightly warranted. Although I very much enjoyed my own MIL, the thought of personally assuming this role was anxiety-inducing.
Whether our husband’s mother is across the street or the ocean, our in-law relationship impacts our lives. At best, our MIL loves and appreciates us (as much as she does her wonderful son!), always asks before coming over, and only volunteers advice when asked; at worst, she drives a wedge between us and our husband, and she’d be the last person we’d feel comfortable leaving our children with. For many of us, the relationship typically lies somewhere between wonderful and horrid.
One thing’s for sure—it’s a relationship worth tending to, and both DILs and MILs have much to contribute. Romans 12:18 encourages, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (italics added).
“So far as it depends” on us, as daughters-in-law, we can:
Remember
She might be as uneasy about being a MIL as we are about having a MIL. In her uncertainty and efforts to avoid mistakes, a MIL sometimes sways too far in another direction. Grace towards our MIL comes more naturally as we remember that oftentimes she’s also trying to navigate new seasons while bearing the burden of not getting it right.
It’s complicated. There’s a reason for the notorious “bad rap” of the MIL. Generally, she’s just coming off 20-plus years of parenting experience. As she transitions and steps aside, her son may be simultaneously gaining a new mom in his own MIL. Further complicating matters, when our spouse has siblings, our MIL is navigating life with another family which has varying needs or boundaries from our own. Given all this and more, it’s clear to see how “mother-in-law-hood” requires great maturity and practice.
She’s our children’s grandmother. A MIL’s sense of thriving in the in-law relationship is often tied to her grandmothering role, of which we moms are frequently the gatekeeper. She’ll be our kids’ grandmother for life, though, and, to the degree that it’s safe, we can play a role in setting up a healthy, life-giving relationship both now and in the future.
Pray
To be a Ruth. As a caretaker for my mother-in-law in her later years, I asked God on hard days to help me be a “Ruth.” Within the Old Testament book of Ruth and all that it reveals of our salvation through Christ, we also see a compelling portrait of love between Ruth and her MIL, Naomi. Ruth stuck by Naomi, demonstrating respect and honor even when life found them both in dire circumstances.[1] Ruth devoted herself to her mother-in-law to such an extent that in Ruth 4:15, she was referred to as the “daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons.”
That she’ll be a Naomi. Naomi continually demonstrated she was “for” Ruth. Further, Naomi offered godly wisdom and guidance, as she demonstrated keen insight into the workings of her culture.[2] Naomi was in Ruth’s corner in both the worst and best of times. Similarly, we can pray for our own MIL’s faith—that she might experience and enjoy spiritual growth which she can pass on to us and to others.
For the relationship. The reciprocal relationship of care between Ruth and Naomi resulted in them both becoming great-grandmothers to King David.[3] As we pray for our own in-law relationship to be more God-glorifying, we can remember the declaration of Jeremiah 32:17: “Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” No thing and no one is too difficult for God to redeem—not even our relationship with our mother-in-law. Ruth and Naomi’s story demonstrates the beautiful fruit that can come as we live in gospel harmony and work for one another’s good as in-laws.
Seek
To honor her. As we strive to obey the fifth commandment—loving and respecting our parents[4]—we can envelop our husband’s mother into our circle of care as well. We can convey honor in a variety of ways: perhaps asking our MIL to teach us a skill, letting her help with something that’s in her wheelhouse (and that we’re comfortable letting go of), and, most importantly, treating her with kindness—especially in front of our kids. My daughter-in-law does this beautifully, modeling kindness to me in front of her children, and I always leave her house feeling loved and valued.
A new mindset. The world’s message is that the MIL relationship should be tension-filled and burdensome. However, Romans 12:2 reminds us we should “not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” When we embrace a biblical mindset, our expectations can shift from doom to delight, even in this often tricky relationship. When Jesus declares in John 15:12, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you,” any “exclusions apply” clauses are non-existent. Thankfully, God offers his grace and help to us, even when “another” is our MIL.
Marital unity. When spouses are aligned on in-law relationships, our marriages can grow and deepen. However, if MIL-centered disagreement exists between spouses due to encroaching boundaries, dysfunction, or other factors, both reinforced boundaries and outside help from a clergy member or professional counselor may be needed. Unity between husband and wife flows out of both the real and perceived sense that the marriage is top familial priority for both.
The MIL-DIL dynamic, like all relationships, requires tending, forgiveness, hard work, prayer, and that we “count others more significant” (Philippians 2:3). But in the grace of Christ, we can join hands with our MIL to write our own Ruth and Naomi story, which at its very heart is enveloped in love and loyalty—and is full of ensuing joy.
[1] Ruth 1
[2] Ruth 2:19-23; 3:1-18
[3] Ruth 4:11-22
[4] Exodus 20:12
