Not Stubborn, Just Determined: Parenting for the Future
I smiled through gritted teeth as I plunked two-year-old Lydia down in her high-chair for what seemed like the tenth time. Behind my smile I was mortified. Why did Lydia have to pick now to show her worst behavior?
My other daughter used her best, newly acquired “school-girl” manners to ask Earlene, our visiting missionary, questions about Pakistan and missions. But Lydia was another story—sensing accurately I was distracted and rushed. She tried to climb out of her booster seat so many times I lost count, threw her food, played with it, and generally avoided eating. I made another attempt to carry on an adult conversation about missions when Lydia stood up in her chair again.
As I forced her back down, Earlene said, “Stubborn, isn’t she?” I almost died. I wanted my battered linoleum to open up and let me crawl under it. I wanted to be somewhere else, preferably invisible.
As I tried to think of something to say, Earlene continued, “If you will learn to think of Lydia’s stubbornness as determination for the Lord, you will see her differently.” I could tell from her kind eyes that Earlene wasn’t judging me—I think she knew exactly how I felt. But I tried to excuse Lydia’s behavior anyway. “She’s usually not this bad. What do you mean, see it as determination?”
And then Earlene taught me a parenting lesson I never forgot. “Your children,” she said, “are created by God for his purposes, and with the character qualities they need to do his work. But,” she continued, “those qualities need to be brought under the Holy Spirit’s control. Until they are, they show themselves as negative traits—strengths lacking the Spirit’s restraint. A parent’s job is to see how God has created each child and help her or him learn how our strengths become weaknesses if we don’t use them under God’s direction. Paul even says this in 1 Corinthians 10:12, “…let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.”
So I finished dinner with a lighter heart and enjoyed Earlene’s stories of ministering in rural Pakistan. No wonder she understood stubbornness as determination: she herself was one determined lady. She ministered twenty years to women and children through her medical clinic before she saw one convert!
Later mulling over Earlene’s words, I did look at my children with new eyes. That stubborn streak of Lydia’s made me wonder what the Lord had in her future—and now as she teaches middle-school I know why she needed determination. It took Lydia seven years to simultaneously complete a double major with a teaching certificate and raise a daughter. She persevered through difficulties when others would have given up.
So, I began to pray differently for my children, my husband, and myself. When her family served on the mission field (see those dinners with missionaries do work!), I watched Rachel’s indecisiveness become the flexibility that helped her adapt in a strange culture. My prayers helped me see my impatience as efficiency, Bob’s perfectionism as neatness, Lydia’s melodramatic stories as expressiveness, and Rachel’s snoopiness as discernment. Then I could thank God for those positive qualities and encourage their proper use.
Earlene’s insightful comment taught me three things:
First, pray for your family, not about them. What annoys you the most may be exactly what God intends to use for his glory. Ask God to show you the richness of his plan for his children and praise him for letting you share in developing that plan.[1]
Second, ask God to help you see your children as unique individuals. They won’t be like you or each other—but you can help them learn to become like Christ. Each character quality is given by God to be used for him. Seek to recognize the misuse of strength and help channel it so it works positively, not negatively.[2]
Third, teach your children the blessings of obedience. Developing godly character is only done under his control. Model submission yourself and share your struggles with your children. Tell them obedience is difficult for all of us because we all struggle with our sin nature. But they can be encouraged by your own stories of God working in your life and the insights you’ve gained. Remind them of the Father’s plans, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).
I’m grateful for Earlene’s honesty that day. She helped me forget about making an impression and remember why God entrusted my husband and I with two little people to raise. I didn’t have children so I could show the world what a great parent I was—God gave me my girls so they could glorify him. It made discipline easier, with more emphasis on teaching than punishment. I saw a purpose in continual correction and consistency: I was cooperating with God to develop his child for his purpose. I didn’t take their failures personally because I recognized the source of my children’s faults was the same as my own: sin. And the solution for sin is provided by God himself: repentance and forgiveness. I could discipline with compassion and mercy because I needed compassion and mercy myself. Parenting became a pleasure not a duty; it excited me to see what he was bringing about.
I still have to remind myself to listen to Earlene’s advice. It’s easy in the day-to-day moments to forget the big picture. But God encourages us to look ahead, to “run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb. 12:1-2). Parenting is a long race, so keep your head up, your eyes on Jesus, and keep going!
[1] Psalm 127:3-4
[2] Hebrews 12:10–11
