The Grace of Comparison
When most of us think of comparison, we likely aren’t used to having the word grace put in front of it. Especially among Christian women, there is a general consensus that comparison robs us of contentment, stirs up our envy, and makes idols out of the people around us. Our experiences testify to the ways comparison really can do this! We all know that as we start measuring ourselves up to that one Insta account, or we start noticing how poorly we’re doing on our housekeeping or work-out routine or Bible reading plan in light of how well another woman is doing, we often feel downright rotten inside. Perhaps shame-filled. Perhaps almost angry with envy and quick to find ways to tip the scales toward our betterment.
Our inner dialogue—without first asking our permission—presumptuously keeps tabs on what others are doing well that we aren’t doing well. She’s really good at hospitality and I haven’t had anyone over in a month. She’s so stylish and I’m wearing clothes from ten years ago. She seems so wise and well-informed while I can’t seem to make sense of the Bible or the world around me. Conversely, we keep tabs on the things we are doing well that others aren’t! She doesn’t follow through on what she says with her child like I do. She is rude to her husband in public; I would never do that. She’s late to almost everything while I make it a priority to be on time. We often have no intention of comparing ourselves to one another—we don’t set out to do it—yet, those inner thoughts form, often leading us to self-loathing and envy, or pride and arrogance.
Is Comparison a Sin?
What I’d like us to consider is this: Is comparison a sin? And, once we figure out whether comparing is sin or not, let’s consider if that knowledge can change our lived experience of comparing ourselves to others and then quickly finding ourselves knee-deep in envy or pride.
A survey of our Bibles would make it difficult to conclude that comparison (in and of itself) is a sin—both from what’s not being said and from what is. We don’t find comparison listed in the ten commandments of the Old Testament or in the multiple lists of sins-to-be-put-off in the New Testament. Comparison is not among the deadly actions or attitudes of lying, stealing, lusting, sexual sin, envy, pride, gluttony, cowardice, or idolatry.
When we step back from our negative experience of comparison and try to understand the Bible on its own terms, we see that comparison is essential to come to a right understanding of the Lord and ourselves. Consider the words of David, “You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you!” (Ps. 40:5). Or, the words of God spoken by Isaiah, “To whom will you liken me and make me equal, and compare me, that we may be alike?” (Isa. 46:5). When we objectively observe God and observe ourselves in light of him, the comparison shows that there is no comparison. With God, we primarily learn by way of contrasts. Used in this way, comparison is essential, not sinful.
A Tool for Learning
Furthermore, we see that comparison done right can be an important tool of learning. Through comparison, Jesus teaches us what the kingdom of God is like[1] and what his generation is like.[2] He uses comparison as a way of showing an analogy.
There is an explicit place in scripture that gives us a window into the sort of envious, prideful comparison that most of us think of when we think of comparison. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul tells us about a group of teachers that were boasting in themselves and denigrating the authority of Paul. Paul refused to compare himself with them because, “when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding” (2 Cor. 10:12). So, what was it about their comparison that made it wrong? The sin they engaged in wasn’t the comparing itself, but rather refusing to factor God into their comparison. In other words, they compared themselves merely with one another and God was left out of the equation. That is idolatrous sin indeed.
The Key to Comparison
Factoring God into every contrast and comparison we make among ourselves is the key many of us have been missing. This key dramatically changes our lived experience of what happens when we engage in comparing ourselves with others.
Try a little case study with me. I walk into my friend’s beautifully ordered home. It isn’t just well-organized, everything about it seems to fit together as it ought—with thoughtfulness, beauty, and a gracious spirit within. It isn’t clean in a sterile way, there is evidence of children and productivity, but it’s obviously a home with good rhythms of work, play, and rest that honor God. If I were to engage in comparison irrespective of God, this beautiful home and the diligence of my friend in producing it would make me miserable. I would resent the beauty and the order because its existence seems to shine a light on my disorder.
But what happens when we factor God into the comparison? I still walk into the beautiful home of my friend and I still notice that I am lacking what she has. But, rather than turn to self-pity or resentment or envy or self-justification (the real sin issues at hand) for why I’m not doing as well as she is, I am now free to behold the grace of God in her life evidenced in her hard work and her giftings and to praise him for it. My eyes go from turned inward on myself to lifted up to the source of the beauty.
What’s more is that I am now free to follow in her footsteps as she follows Christ. This doesn’t mean that my home will reflect all the exact same things hers does. It doesn’t mean that I will become identical to her, but it does mean that I will be able to begin to imitate the godly characteristics and principles on display in her life.
Let’s do one more case study, but this time let’s pretend a fellow mom is the one who is coming up short in the comparison. In this situation, I encounter a friend who is dressed provocatively. Her penchant for style seems to have led her to a worldly and revealing wardrobe. I could begin to be puffed up inside, sensing my superiority when held up against her inappropriate way of dressing. But what happens when God is in the center of our field of vision? Now, rather than being puffed up (the real sin at hand), God’s grace comes to me in two forms: 1) the grace of warning which reminds me that my dress is to be modest and my beauty the inward beauty only God gives[3], and 2) the grace that seeks to care enough for this friend to help her understand where true beauty comes from and to better know the God who actually does want her to be beautiful in an eternal way.
We Compare, God Transforms
I want to encourage each of us to keep God front and center in our human comparisons whether the comparison be in mothering, marriage, or any other sphere. We are meant to take stock of ourselves in light of the ultimate standard—our holy God—and when we realize we are but dust on the scales next to him—sinful, unholy, unworthy in every way—he sends us Good News in his Son.
The Lord Jesus, God incarnate, crucified and raised for sinners, has purchased our new hearts and new minds and new eyes, so that we can live among one another without envy or rivalry or pride or arrogance poisoning our relationships, but rather walking with one another in all our differences and distinctions as a people who are growing in godliness to the praise of his glory. As God transforms us more and more into the likeness of his Son, we will find that some are farther along than we are and some are not as far along. These comparisons don’t threaten us or produce pride in us, rather they serve the powerful grace of God at work in our lives to further transform us to be like the one to which none can compare. Comparison can certainly lead to sin and despair, but it can also lead to worship and obedience. That is the paradox of the Christian life—that God, for whom there is no equal or likeness—has given us life in his Son so that we can be like him. Every contrast and comparison in our earthly lives must bow and serve this great transforming work he is doing in us.
[1] Matthew 13:24; 18:23; 22:2
[2] Matthew 11:16
[3] 1 Peter 3:3–4
