Strains of the Season: Family Frustrations
Editor’s Note: This article primarily focuses on common struggles that normal, healthy families may face during a season of heightened stress and expectation. If you are experiencing deeper layers of brokenness within your family relationships, we encourage you to also seek out the help and counsel of others in your local community and church body.
It was a glorious, fall day of running errands by myself while my husband watched our children. As I pulled up to the house, there was our Christmas tree staring me down through the window, mocking me with flashing red lights that matched the anger building inside of me. Storming through the front door, I yelled at my husband, “Why did you put the tree up without me? Did you not want to create a lasting family memory?” My vision of a magical moment all decorating the tree and listening to Christmas music together vanished. Thoughts and feelings quickly escalated from “Why did you do this without me?” to attacking my husband for not including me. Underneath my anger and frustration was a sadness from missing out on shared memories and an inability to experience the full joy of my holiday expectations. Looking back, it's more comical, and I can now understand my kids enjoyed such a special moment with their dad decorating the tree.
The holidays are often like a coin. On one side, they can be filled with joy, rest, hugs, delicious food, exciting gifts, traditions, and quality family time. On the other side of the coin, though, the holidays may consist of family tension, conflict, and frustrations, which can lead to difficult conversations, ruined plans, disappointment, unmet expectations, and separation. As the coin is tossed each holiday season, we anxiously await the outcome, knowing the mood can change quickly as the coin falls through the air.
With the many activities, gatherings, travels, and financial commitments of the holiday season, our pressure valves are often dangerously close to exploding at any moment in the form of fatigue, disconnection, and frustrations with our families. The busyness of the holidays and extended time with our families seem to accelerate our path to conflict with one another, which most likely wouldn’t happen on a random Tuesday in January. As we celebrate the coming of our Savior, how do we experience the peace and hope of Jesus within our family relationships?
Reflect
Taking time to understand potential contributors to our family frustrations can help dispel conflict and allow for greater grace with one another. Regarding our spouses, we come from different families of origins with different traditions, different styles of communicating, and different ways of processing our emotions. Each member of our immediate and extended families too has different personality traits, perspectives, opinions, and interests. Right and wrong may not always apply to these differences; instead the differences may be solely that—different. As we reflect on these realities, we are more inclined to see one another through the lens of love, truth, and grace.
Repent
This self-reflection may shed light on how we contribute to various frustrations within our family. For me, I love working hard to create the perfect experience, which is only heightened during the Christmas season. When the plan is disrupted, I am prone to lash out unreasonably. My desire to create a wonderful experience for my family is not wrong, and yet, I need to surrender my plans to the Lord, trusting he is in control and his ways are better than mine. Identifying specific triggers like these can help us repent of where we may have been wrong and respond in the future in a more kind and loving way. We can each ask God to search us, to point out anything not of him and lead us in the way of his good, holy design for our families.[1]
Respond
In line with how God beautifully designed the human heart and brain, there are a buffet of tools that might help us foster peaceful family interactions this holiday season. It may be helpful to identify with our spouse what is most important to our family this season versus areas of flexibility. Perhaps we can intentionally schedule in time with relatives and time for rest. We may want to incorporate certain rhythms like deep breathing, exercise, extra sleep, or times of solitude with the Lord to help our bodies better handle added stress. It may also be helpful to establish boundaries around family time, such as limiting screen time or choosing to stay overnight with only our immediate family to allow time for refreshment before rejoining the extended gathering.
Remember
Behind practical steps like these, our desire for healthy and harmonious relationships within our families is good and God-given. This holiday season, whether we are experiencing broken relationships or minor familial squabbles, we can remember that Christ ultimately fulfills our longings to be fully loved and accepted. This truth brings comfort and hope amid our family frustrations. Jesus goes before us in our travels to relatives. He stands in the gap of that difficult relationship. He surrounds us as we gather around the table for Christmas dinner. As we seek to prepare intentionally for time with our families, to steward our bodies well in a demanding season, and to prayerfully depend on the Lord, we can also remember the goodness and faithfulness of God, grounding our hearts in gratitude for all that he has done.
Rest
In Christ, we belong to a spiritual family. This is our hope when we’ve tried our best to live harmoniously with our earthly families and yet, the day ends with discord. It’s our comfort when we have been hurt or neglected by relatives. It’s our strength when efforts to restore relationships continue to fail or when a close family member inevitably disappoints. God adopts us as his own.[2] Through the lavish love of the Father, we are his children.[3] As members of God’s family, we are “heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ” (Rom. 8:17). As heirs, we inherit God as our Father and all his good plans for us. We are no longer outsiders looking in but rather members of God’s household, connected to the many brothers and sisters in Christ.[4]
At the end of the day, God’s children always have a place to come home. A place to belong. A place of security and safety. A place of unconditional love. In the good and hard of our earthly family experiences, we find hope in belonging to Christ’s family. May we rest in our place in the family of God today and always.
[1] Psalm 139:23-24
[2] Romans 8:15
[3] 1 John 3:1
[4] Ephesians 2:19
