Everyone Has a Dream: Navigating In-Law Expectations

Feb 10

Editor’s Note: The following article discusses in-law relationships within normal, healthy family contexts and we recognize that some situations involve more hurt and complexity. In such cases, please seek out the wisdom and help of pastors, friends, and counselors in your own community.

Trade a week of cold, dreary weather for the warm California sun? It was a no brainer! I was so excited to hear about my mother-in-law’s idea for an extended family vacation and instantly began planning oceanside walks, bike rides, and dinners together. We couldn’t wait to be together in a beautiful location for a week, all thirteen of us. But it didn’t take long before there was trouble in paradise.

Upon arrival, we learned that my sister-in-law’s children had been fighting the stomach flu. Bathrooms were being shared, and my internal alarm bells went off. How would I protect my family from getting sick? Especially my five-year-old who was so excited to play with his cousins?

Sharing spaces meant that no one was sleeping well. And different internal alarm clocks were waking people up at various hours of the night. None of this left any of the adults at our best during the daytime hours. As we tried to decide on what excursions to go on and entered the chaos of getting thirteen people ready to leave at the same time, frustrations rose. Did we all need to be together all of the time?

My MIL, Barb, and I each had our own dreams and scenes in mind when we pictured our time away. I had an expectation that everyone would be healthy, that there would be some flexible time for each family each day, and that overall we would have a fun and relaxing time together. Barb envisioned lengthy chats around the dinner table each night, cousins becoming the best of friends, and new yearly traditions being started.

When our five-year-old started throwing up, we were already lacking good sleep. Now we were even more deprived. Temper tantrums seemed to be the norm. Everyone felt pressure. All my ideal plans were lost—my dream shattered. My feelings of anger and resentment seemed justified. Could this really be called a vacation?

Looking back, I can see now that I had allowed my good desires to become ultimate, and that I expected everyone else to follow the script in my own head. My worship had turned to whining. And lots of unsavory words and emotions were tumbling out.

Good Desires Turned Bad

Among many situations, in-law gatherings can create the perfect storm for unmet expectations. Long hours of traveling, overtired parents, and excited kids set the stage. There is pressure to enjoy every minute, to be with the ones you love non-stop because you hardly see each other. Many of our expectations and desires are good. It’s good to want to have a close-knit, supportive relationship. It’s good to want to spend time together as a family. It’s good to want cousins and grandparents to be a part of your kids’ lives. The problem lies in the fact that our best motives are marred by the brokenness in our hearts and the world. Good desires easily become unreasonable expectations. Paul Tripp says it this way: “. . . because of sin, when good things become ruling things, they become bad things.”[1]

We might be tempted to use manipulation or guilt trips to have more time with our family. Or maybe we’re inclined to selfishly use our in-laws to meet our needs while not thinking of theirs—only calling them when we need a babysitter or a helping hand. The sin in our hearts makes us prone to worship the kingdom of self. We think about what would work best for my schedule, for my family, for my bank account. We fall into the pattern of using people to satisfy our own desires, instead of sacrificially serving others.

How the Gospel Changes Our Expectations

Thanks be to God that we are not left in that predicament. Because of Jesus’s perfect life, death on the cross, and resurrection, those who trust in him are given the Holy Spirit. God is always with us, leading us, guiding our every step, and making us different over time. The next time we find ourselves miffed over unmet in-law expectations, here are four things we can do:

1. Pray

Psalm 139:23-24 tells us to ask God to search our hearts, to see if there is any sin in our lives. When we feel anger or resentment rise within us, we can ask: Where did my good desires go wrong? Where have I been selfish and narrowly focused? It’s easy to look at another person and cast blame. It’s harder to admit our own wrongdoing and humbly repent.

2. Believe the Best

When our expectations lie unfulfilled, we can choose to assume that the heart of our in-law is love. Instead of thinking that our in-law is competing for the attention of our husband, we can remember how much they desire to be together as a family. Instead of assuming they’re sweeping our kitchen floor because they think we’re messy, we can look for their servant’s heart and desire to help. “Love is patient. Love is kind… It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:4,7).

3. Be Quick to Hear, Slow to Speak, and Slow to Anger (James 1:19)

The opposite of assuming the worst and voicing our angst is living out the command of James 1:19. When we really listen to our in-laws, instead of thinking about what we want to say, we’re more apt to understand their intentions. Being a good listener helps us be slow with our words and can keep our tempers from flaring.

4. Look to serve

Philippians 3:5-7 reminds us that the pattern Christ sets for us is one of sacrifice—dying to self for another. How can we turn our focus from unmet expectations to an opportunity to love our in-laws? By honoring their preferences. Jesus reminds us that true humility considers others before ourselves.

A Better Dream

When I felt like family togetherness on our vacation was smothering, I needed to remember that Barb desired this out of a heart of love. She wanted to make the most of our time together as a family. I also needed to adjust my idea of how much “rest and relaxation” would be possible during a vacation with thirteen people. It helped to talk openly and honestly with each other. My in-laws generously provided for the vacation, so we didn’t want to seem selfish or ungrateful by not going along with their plans. Yet how much frustration could have been avoided if expectations were talked through beforehand?

Nothing will separate us from God’s love.[2] When we get our eyes off our expectations and onto God, his faithful love reveals where we might have been selfish in our plans and demands for others. Our in-law relationships are an invitation from God to enjoy his love.

Are your in-law relationships hard? Have you experienced hurt feelings from unmet expectations? Sinful selfishness can be found in us all. How might remembering God’s sacrificial love to you rewrite your expectations? God calls us to extend the love he has shown to us to the precious people we call in-laws. He knows you intimately, provides generously for all your needs, and orchestrates all things for your good.[3] Let that love fuel you. Enjoy it for yourself, and then let it overflow onto others.

[1] Paul David Tripp, Lost in the Middle: Midlife and the Grace of God (Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2004)

[2] Romans 8:38–39

[3] Romans 8:28-32