How Do I Talk to My Kids About Sorrow?
It can be tempting to scoot our kids past their sadness. While the Bible doesn’t mince words about the sorrows we’ll face in this world, it can be a hard topic to talk about. Even so, the Scriptures encourage us to remember that life lived under the sun is one lived under the curse—and while sin remains, sorrows will come. Therefore, our loving, biblically-informed guidance about how to interpret these painful realities can help them learn how to weep with hope.
We show respect for our children by acknowledging their tears. Their sorrow is an opportunity to help them pause, reflect, and engage their hurting heart with God. They need encouragement that sadness is not something strange—it persists because death, pain, crying, and mourning have not yet passed away.[1] Kids sense this brokenness, but lack a redemptive worldview of it. Sorrow, then, can become a precious opportunity to point our children back to our Savior—Jesus Christ—the Man of Sorrows who makes broken things new.
Preparing Kids for Sorrow to Come
Thankfully, we can look to the scriptures and find wisdom for talking to our kids about sorrow. One approach to this conversation could be modeled after Jesus’ own words to his disciples after eating the last supper. In the upper room, Christ forewarned his friends about the heartbreak they were about to face.[2] His words offered measured truths (“You will weep, lament, and be sorrowful,”) seasoned with grace (“But your sorrow will turn into joy…but I will see you again.”)[3] His cautions were accompanied by the kind of comfort only he could give: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
His compassionate tone remains the same today. Through his word, Christ speaks candidly to our children about the certainty of sorrow as well as the heartiness of the hope they can have in him. In Christ, sorrow is destined to turn into joy. Because Christ bore their griefs—carried their sorrows—up to the cross and out through the grave, our children can look to him for assurance when they’re sad. Forewarning our kids about the realities of sorrow can forearm them to face it by faith. Christ said these seasons would come, and that we would find comfort, hope, and peace by looking to him when they do.
Different Kinds of Sorrow—Same Savior
Part of equipping our children to face sorrow involves teaching them about the different kinds. Sometimes they’ll be sad when someone or something important is taken away. We might commonly attribute loss-related grief to death, however there are many other sources to consider. Friends relocate, families suffer broken relationships, and sudden illnesses can strip a child of their well-being overnight. Children may also grieve due to dashed hopes, or over a loss of innocence stemming from traumatic events or abuse.
There are other occasions when sadness is a consequence of foolishness or sinful choices. When sin is discovered, discipline usually follows. As a result, they may be truly broken-hearted over their sin (“godly sorrow”) or only upset because they regret having been caught (“worldly sorrow”). In either instance, God graciously invites them into repentance to receive forgiveness and restoration.[4]
Sometimes children live with a steady undercurrent of melancholy seemingly unrelated to circumstances. Prolonged, unexplained sadness is a painful kind of suffering which requires our compassion and patient endurance. During these seasons, despondent children are helped through the winsome ministry of God’s word, inclusion by their church community, counseling support, and routine medical examinations to screen for underlying physiological conditions.
Our kids may grow sorrowful when bad things happen to them, when they choose to do bad things, or when nothing bad seems to have happened at all. But whatever the reason for their heartache, Christ comes close. He is intent on caring for the brokenhearted and saving the crushed in spirit[5]—their tears are counted and kept by him.[6]
Christ Promises to Turn Sorrow into Joy
As we help our children approach the Lord in their sadness, we invite them to a sympathetic Savior who experientially knows their grief and has accomplished everything necessary to redeem it. God’s word guides our children to lift their eyes and look forward to the day when sad things will come untrue. Tears are real, but God’s mercy makes them temporary. We’ll know no sorrow in eternity, only everlasting glory, joy, and pleasures forevermore at the right hand of God.
The trustworthiness of Jesus is undermined if faith is presented as a shield from sadness. Therefore, it’s just as important to talk about the sorrows of this world as it is to talk about the joy that’s found in Christ. The uncomfortable wisdom of Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart,” meaning that “wisdom uses sad things to learn life…it is better to engage sadness and to take to heart what it has to teach us.”[7]
Sorrow can teach our kids something about themselves, the world they live in, and the God who loves them. While only the Holy Spirit can enable them to embrace Christ as Lord and Savior, gospel-centered discussions about sadness can equip them to distinguish true Christian faith from flimsy sentiments. May God help us to approach these tender, yet important conversations just as Jesus did—full of grace, truth, and love.
[1] Revelation 21:4
[2] John 16:20
[3] John 16:20, 22
[4] 2 Corinthians 7:9-11
[5] Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3
[6] Psalm 56:8
[7] Zack Eswine, Recovering Eden: The Gospel According to Ecclesiastes (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2014), 180.
