The Gospel Frees Us from Shame: Embracing Sexual Intimacy with a Postpartum Body
Editor’s Note: This article addresses struggles and tensions that can arise, even in otherwise "healthy" marriages. Its encouragements are best read with discernment and consideration of your unique situation. If abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual) or other illegal or illicit behavior is occurring in your marriage, please tell someone and reach out for counsel and/or professional intervention.
I never thought my feelings toward sexual intimacy would change so drastically after having babies. Yet, with each pregnancy and every extra pound on my body, I have struggled to believe my husband desires me.
On the days when he compliments my appearance or hints at his desire for sexual intimacy, I inwardly roll my eyes, question the truth behind his words, and sometimes pull away. Yet, on the other hand, if he doesn’t pay special attention to me when I wear a new dress or he falls asleep before me at the end of the day, I interpret his behavior as disinterest and failure to pursue me. In both cases, I’m a captive to feelings of shame telling me the appearance of my body makes me no longer worthy of love, desire, or attention.
Our culture tells us women should have flat stomachs and flawless skin. We feel the pressure to only gain so many pounds during pregnancy, and then shed them immediately after giving birth. When we see perfectly styled images of celebrities holding their day-old babies, it’s tempting to believe this is normal. So, when we come home from the hospital in our yoga pants and postpartum underwear, we start to feel like there must be something wrong. As the days and weeks go by, and the stretch-marks, squishy tummies, and baggy eyes remain, we can find ourselves feeling unworthy of physical affection and shying away from sexual intimacy with our husbands.
Scripture tells us that after God placed Adam and Eve together in the garden, they were “naked and unashamed” (Gen. 2:25). Can you imagine what that must have been like? No feelings of embarrassment. No mental comparisons to “the perfect body.” No fear of being undesirable.
Unfortunately, this perfect physical relationship didn’t last. After eating the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve immediately recognized their nakedness.[1] Sin’s entrance into the world forever disrupted sexual intimacy between husband and wife. We stand naked before our husbands and often feel very much ashamed.
But there is hope. The power of the gospel frees us from shame and enables us to embrace sexual intimacy when we feel unlovely in our postpartum bodies.
God’s love covers us.
The changes in our bodies after having babies may make us feel physically broken and undesirable. But when Jesus died for us, spiritually, we were broken and undesirable. We were unlovely, wicked, enemies of God. Yet, God poured out his mercy on us when we were dead in sin, and because of God’s great love, we’re alive in Christ.[2] Jesus took the punishment we deserved, and in exchange, he clothed us with his eternal righteousness.[3] Our position in Christ is secure, and we’re granted access to God through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.[4] We stand before God spiritually naked and unashamed, because when he looks at us, he sees the perfectly broken and fully resurrected body of Christ.
When we cling to this truth we appropriately respond to God’s love. We approach him boldly with our requests.[5] We openly confess our sins because he promises to forgive, cleanse, and restore.[6] We rest in his love—even when we feel unlovable—because Jesus became the unlovable on our behalf.
Being clothed with the righteousness of Christ has practical implications for every aspect of life, including the way we enjoy sexual intimacy in marriage. But just like any other area of our spiritual growth, applying this truth will probably be a process. One we may need to repeat many times over.
In the moments when we feel insecure with our husbands, we can pray for the Lord to remove our feelings of shame. As we continuously depend on the work of Christ in us, we’ll be able to put off feelings of shame in our nakedness, and put on a spirit of humility, patience, gentleness, and love toward our husbands.[7] We’ll be able to trust that God’s good design for sex includes the giving of our beautiful, yet squishy and stretch-marked bodies to our husbands for mutual enjoyment.[8]
Instead of uttering a sarcastic or self-deprecating reply when our husbands compliment our appearance, we’ll have the strength to smile, believe they’re sincere, and whisper a genuine thank you. When we’re tempted to retreat from intimate moments together, we’ll start to see God change our hearts and turn our attention away from our own bodies, toward our husbands. And on the days when we feel neglected or unpursued, we’ll learn to pray for wisdom to know how to communicate with our husbands and work together toward mutual sexual enjoyment.
God’s love covers us with an eternal glory.
Some of us will bear permanent changes to our physical appearance: scars, extra pounds, the loss of our previous curves, a larger pant size, a smaller chest. We might look into the mirror, shrug our shoulders and think, “Well, I guess this is as good as it’s gonna get.”
But, ladies, we’re so very wrong.
One day our bodies will be better than we could ever imagine. Any ideas we had regarding “the perfect body” or flaws we felt in our postpartum condition will be replaced with a perspective shaped by God’s fully consummated kingdom. When Jesus returns, we will be like him.[9] We’ll exchange the perishable for the imperishable.[10] The long-awaited hope of heaven will become our forever delighted-in reality.
I’ve learned to voice my feelings of shame to my husband, and ask him to help me. I often confess my attitude of disbelief toward him, and he continues to offer forgiveness. He doesn’t always understand, but he pulls me into his arms and reassures me of his love. He looks me in the eye and says when he looks at me, he sees the woman he married, the woman who bore his children, and a body that he still considers lovely. His words remind me of his commitment to love me, no matter what.
Even if you never hear words like these or experience the reassuring embrace of your husband, please know this: God’s love for us is better than any kind of love we may or may not have from our husbands.
God’s commitment to his people is eternal, and his love is everlasting. It’s not contingent on the size or shape of our bodies. As we eagerly await the consummation of his love for us in heaven, we can confidently stand naked before our husbands. We don’t need to feel ashamed because God’s love covers us with an eternal glory.
[1] Genesis 3:7
[2] Ephesians 2:1-5
[3] 1 Peter 2:24
[4] Hebrews 10:19-22
[5] Hebrews 4:16
[6] 1 John 1:9
[7] Colossians 3:12
[8] 1 Corinthians 7:2-5
[9] 1 John 3:2
[10] 1 Corinthians 15:52-53
